Pull Myself Together

Hi readers!
How's life? I hope you're being treated well. ;)
So, after very very long cry-for-a-week phase, I'm done!
Yeah, I seriously want and have to manage my life again.
I can't cry forever, can I?

These days I've been busy with looking for a job. I already found one of one company that I really wanted to work to.
Currently, I'm still waiting for the good news. *Pray for me, please!*
Beside the good news from the dream company, I'm also waiting any good news from my grades. :D
Last year, I skipped so many classes and I know if I couldn't pass those tests, that's my fault.
But for the first time in my life I seriously study hard. So I hope it'll pay my hard work. Though I'm a little bit scared.
In the middle of my nervous break down, now I realize I can't hold on to someone else but God.
I'm not trying to be religious here, but I finally realize, He's the only man who will never leave me alone. :)

But then, I am still looking around for someone nice. Someone I can picture my future with. Someone who can be my best friend and lover all at once.
I found one, his initial is A, but I am not so sure if this will work or not.
I mean, I've wasted years trying to build strong relationships with men. I want to get married in 2015 actually. :)
I think God works mysteriously on that. :)

Talking about best friend, remember my Partner In Crime, Indra?
Nah, you don't remember. LOL.
So he's been dieting for the last.. I don't know.. a year and a half, I guess. And he's in a nice shape now.
That motivated me to do some diet too. I started eat less and workout more.
I'm not actually a big fan of workout, but it feels really good when you're sweating. :)
Now I'm running if I have the spare time or the mood to go out, but if I'm not in any mood to run, I'm weightlifting.
Yeah, I have 6lbs yellow barbels in my room. :p
My current weight now is 73kgs or 161lbs. And I need to lose 22 lbs more to my ideal weight.
That's a lot of number, isn't it?
Well, one day, I'll say "I believe I could, so I did" :)

What else?
Hmm.. I guess that's all for now.
Thank you for reading this.
And, remember to have fun readers. :) It won't hurt.
I'll see you soon then. :)
Love you. :*

Karma does Exist

hi, readers. how are you? fine I hope. :)

so, yeah. I'm officially single (again).
and I'm still crying my eyes out 'til I fall asleep. I really hope this phase of break-ups will end as soon as possible.

no, I'm not the one who broke up with him. he is. and in my opinion, you can judge this story from our opinions.
let's begin.

***

according to him, I:
- am selfish.
- can't understand his feelings.
- am a liar. biggest liar on earth.
- spend too much money.

now, I got opinions to defense myself of course.
- yes I am selfish. but I got reason for that. he's the first person who ever be my bf in real life. mostly I am constantly in a LDR. maybe that took me by surprise that I was very... pampered by a man.
- yes. I can't understand his feelings. I understand that. I always wanted to see him. like every single day of the rest of my life. and I can't get out of this fact.
- yes. I lied. to several people. like my mom. I lied about his status (I told my mom he was my senior in college), I lied about his job (he's a security), I lied about everything to my mom. but he doesn't know my mom. he never met her before. he doesn't know what is my mom capable of. once I told her the truth, I think the most proper way to say this is: there's no forgiveness.
- I did spend to much money. I can't get out of this fact as well. But I'm learning. I'm learning how to save some money for me later. for my future. for, well, our (ex) future.

you know what? my ex boyfriend is a perfect guy. physically and mentally.
he's tall, handsome, tough, cute, patient, kind, awesome, cool, super nice, et cetera. but, there's one thing I don't like about him. he's a liar.
no no. I didn't accuse him. it's the truth.

***

here's the story.
I felt something changed about him since Dec 2012. And the first thing that came through my mind was: he's in love with somebody else.
No, I couldn't prove that. All I can do was hoping. Hoping that I couldn't be more wrong.
Then, I get back to my hometown for few weeks. When I came back, he did pick me up at the airport et cetera.
That made me happy of course because I thought he was changed.
Few weeks later, it was Tuesday, I remember the exact day, I called him. And the first word he said after he picked up the phone is "What?!"
I didn't get it. He changed all of the sudden.
He didn't want to talk to me for a couple weeks. Then we met. It was Feb 5th. He broke up with me but I said no. Because he couldn't tell me the right reason. Beside, I got more exams to do so I begged him to understand my position and not break up with me at least 'til I graduate.
I remember he said "OK" on some conditions:
- I can't call him when he's working.
- I tell my mom the truth.
I said "fine". And I never called him while he was working without asked him first.
On friday, Feb 8th, he didn't reply my texts, he didn't answer his phone. and I was like, "I know this time is coming".
But again, there's still one little hope inside of me that said: maybe he ran out of credits and his phone was in silent mode.
After 1 week, he didn't change. I decided to go find him. It was Valentine's Day. I actually had no idea about where he currently lives. I remember some clues though and I believe I could find him with all the intentions I got.
And I found his place but I couldn't find him. so I came back again the next day to talk to him. That night he was working so I knew I will find him.
I wasn't surprised when he said he got another gf. They got together since Feb 7th. so technically, yes, he lied to me.
He said he was planning on getting married next year. I couldn't stop crying.
He started compared me with her. How good she is, how she didn't lie to her mom. and my heart was screaming "WE DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME MOM!".
It broke my heart into pieces. Matter of fact, I think I can't fall in love again.

People said I'm stupid for letting him hurt me like that, for still having a little hope, and for keep loving him.
But I'm not that kind of girl who easily hate people. Yes, he messed up. But people did too. I did too.
I know I probably will never be with him ever again, but I prayed really hard so that God would listen to me and granted my wishes.

***

You know what, readers? I think this is Karma. this is exactly what happened in 2010. The difference is, c4 didn't say anything to me for weeks. I thought he hated me already.
So, after I remember that, I wrote an e-mail to c4, my ex, to apologize if it hurts him when I left. Because now I'm hurting like real bad. Like I want to stop crying but I can't.
I thought that was exactly what happened to him that's why I apologize. I don't want anybody to hate me or curse me. I just want to have a happy life. with no hard feelings. no heart broken..

So, yeah, I want to take this time up to thank Oktavianus for letting me know how it feels like to be loved.
And apologize to c4 for everything that I've done. I have no idea, this would turned out this bad.

***

Thanks for reading, readers.
I hope your love life isn't as complicated as mine.

Quote for the day: "I made a promise never to settle why didn't I keep it?" - Stacey Orricco
well, it's actually her whole 'I'm Not Missing You' is the quote of the day.
download that song and listen to it.

Bye readers.
I love you.