realize

I just get my job back. IDK if my boss will let me work for a long time. but this is more than enough.
thank God.

I remember when everything seems to be wonderful last year. on November, I got a man. on December, I have a job.
it's just great.

now, when my man don't want me (I actually can't say "my man" anymore) to be his woman, I am complaining. I know it's my fault. but everyone deserves a second chance.
"some people fight for love, and I believe it's true 'cause I do the same for you". that's what Elliot Yamin said in one of his song called Fight For Love.
but I can't fight for someone if he doesn't want to be fight for. I send him e-mails. try to stop once, but I can't until I get some reply. he deleted me from his Messenger, blocked me from his twitter account, and successfully make me feel like a "SPAM". or maybe, I'm a SPAM.

but I won't complain anymore because I know I will lose everything I have one day. I just think I'm not well-prepared to accept that now.
I never regret loving him. and his past. and his weakness. I can say I still love him. I never regret everything I've done for him. I never regret wake up every four hours or doing the pen thing on my hand.
I never mad at him at any moment. even when he decides to leave, I'm not mad. it's my fault because yes, I am fucked up in the head. all I can do is apologizing and wait for his response even though I think, it won't come out.

I miss him. I miss everything about him. but I realize that he has family that's at the top of his list. I probably at number 345932 on that list. but I don't care. this is fair. now he makes me cry badly when once upon a time, he made me laugh insanely.

later, readers.
I love you.