dear, you..

I had a dream last night.
you were dead.
stabbed by someone in the train.
I woke up and cried because I can't deal with it.
but I'm glad. because some people said if you dream about someone's death, they'll have long life.

there's a lot of memories about you and me.
a lot.
on my vessel, in my real life, on internet.
those movies, those songs, those laughs.
those crazy moments.

I know it wouldn't be that easy to erase you from my life.
probably, it will never happen.

I never thought that e-mail would be my last fuck up.
I wish I wouldn't do that.
but it's too late, isn't it?

sometimes I laugh. not at you. not at us. at myself for being so fucking stupid.
but I know it's over.

remember when you told me your life is a fucking pain?
no it's not.
you have the greatest life I've known. fuck the pain when you have a lot of people that love you so much.

at this moment, I want to apologize.
for not making you happy when you were with me.
for always being a crybaby.
for not doing the right things.
for tripping all day long when we were together.
because I wasn't there most of the time when you needed someone to talk to.
for not understanding your condition and being so selfish.

and I want to thank you.
for make me laugh when I almost forgot how to.
for the great nicknames
for the funny cursing. really. I never mad at you because of that.
for those nights you spent with me.
for anything you give to vessel; the rainmeter, foxtab, teamview. anything.
for the love no one can ever give to me.

I think that's it.
don't change.
don't tell me to stop loving you because I can't.
I love you, hitam. I will always do.
I won't say "bye" to you. so, later.

If I Were A Boy..

..I will be in the bar at 3 o'clock without worrying about my mom is going to call me or not.
I will put a little run when I'm walking without thinking about people looking at my boobs.
I will not scared going out in the middle of the night.
I will be real awesome because I can play the guitar.
I won't be a crybaby.
Hair fall will not be a problem because I can be bald.
I don't have to face period.
I will responsible with any decision I made.
No one will call me bitch.
I won't hurt that bad.
I will consider to have a smart girlfriend instead of the sexy one.
I will tell the person I like about my feelings without worrying if I'm a girl or a boy.
I won't hurt her feelings.
I will have sex only with my wife.

but really, if I were a boy..
I will fight against my mom for what she has done to me those years.
I will be a GREAT temperamental man.
I probably will kill my step father.
I will never go to church.
I'll yell at my girl.
I'll become a criminal.

and..
I won't be here right now talking to y'all.
I won't have those best friends.
I won't have a great wonderful man like him :)
I won't have this patience I have now.
I won't ever know how to control myself.
I can't wear pink or purple because people will think I'm gay.

so..
thank God I'm not a boy. thank God I was born as a girl.
thank God I still have boobs.
thank God I have period. I don't even care if I become real sensitive that time.
and thank God my name is Fissheal and I have this life. surrounded by great people, great friends, awesome man, and wonderful family.
:)

Gone

This is my favorite song for now.

Reminds me of you. lmao. yes, YOU, retard. :*

Can you imagine

What it would be like

If we never met?

We never kissed

Can you imagine

If we never got

To spend those nights

In each other's arms?

But I don't know how it feels
But it probably would kill me
Probably would tear me down

So I don't think about it
Cause my heart can't take it if you were gone
If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone, If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone, If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone

Can you picture yourself
Getting older, dear, with someone else?
I can't cause I feel like we
Are the exception to the rule

I know this love is true

And I don't know how it feels

But it probably would kill me

Probably would tear me down

So I, I don't think about it

Cuz my heart can't take it if you were gone

If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone, If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone, If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone

Don't rewind anything

I'm too excited to see what tomorrow brings

You changed my world around

And I am not scared to go falling down in love

But if you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone, If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone, If you were gone

If you were gone, If you were gone

If you were, If you were, (Said, I can't imagine) If you were gone
(I can't imagine)

If you were, If you were, If you were gone

If you were gone

Google Plus, The Newest Rival of Facebook

first of all, if you have google plus, add me: Fissheal Manuel.
if you don't have one, leave your gmail on the comment of this post, and I'll send you an invite. ps: I won't publish your e-mail.

so I haven't found the usable of this G+, but, rumors said that this G+ will beat Facebook as soon as possible.
so, like other social media, G+ also have features like photos uploading, statuses posting, chatting and many others.

the difference between G+ and Facebook is G+ needs invitation so you can register. actually, you don't have to do any register if you already have a gmail account.
until today, google not restrict the sent invitations yet. but I'm pretty sure that they'll limit them when the number of users increases.

when I typing this post, I just click the "download and install voice and video chat" for G+. IDK if it's gonna work or not because I didn't read "Vista" on the system requirements.
oops, I can't use it. bad for Vista users.

another features on the chat? hmmm. call conference, sending files through the chat window, you can pop out the chat screen, you can make the video full-screen and many others.

what I like about this G+ is it's light enough to load. my friend once told me that he can't open both twitter and facebook but G+ was easily load.

so, it's your choice, readers. some said they stuck with faceboook, some said twitter is better and a lot of people moving to G+.
me? I have all of them.
I wish G+ will have some games too.

enough for now. I have to go. adios, readers.
love ya. :*

Happy Sunday!

I was at my mom's place last night and I typed on her new keyboard.
actually, I typed random thing. about life.

God didn't promised you that your life is going to be easy. He just said that He will be with you as long as you rely on Him.
today is Sunday. before I make this post I was thinking about not going to church. but then, I changed my mind.

if you're about to cancelling your plan to going to church today, I suggest you not to doing it.
you need to think about things God gives you until now.

I am not trying to be religious person.
I mean, all my life I've been bad. people know that. I won't type religious thing just to make people think that I'm a change man.
man, people who know me very well won't judge me that way. if you dare to judge me, then, you know NOTHING about me and what I've been through.

when I was a kid, church is just an obligation for me. I sat, I listened, I went back home. nothing changed my life.
it's not God doesn't change anything. it's me don't want to be changed.
lately, I'm trying to be better for Him even sometimes, I still run out of patience easily. at least, I'm trying. ;)

well, like I said, today is Sunday. I won't force you to go to church because people do whatever they want. nothing can stop them. moreover, this is just a post.

now I need to go to church. :)
Happy Sunday to all of you, readers.
have a wonderful day.
love you. :)

ps: if you go to church, pray for me and my life. :*

midnight post

hi readeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrss. :*
how are you?

I was reading Faster Than A Kiss right before I make this post.

actually, I have no idea about what is this post all about.
I mean, the only reason why I make this post is because I am waiting for someone but he's not here yet.

whoa. IDK what else I can tell you.
so maybe I'll just go to sleep.

I mean, I just want you all to know that I'm still alive. :p
see you later, readers. I love you. :*

T-R-Y

today is great. first, I just finished the bible project aaaand, I'm done with exams.
but I still have a lot of things that stressing me out. well, at least I feel a lil bit relieved.

what's on my mind -and I want to talk about this- is the word: try.
until today, I've done things in my life. some things done because I have a capability to finish it and others because I tried to do those things.

try and fail, but don't fail to try- Stephen Kaggwa

what you just read is one of the trying-quotes I've ever heard. I don't remember exactly what is the first quote that I heard but I am pretty sure about how I react. I was like: "whoever invented this quote, must be so hopeless. maybe he just wanted himself to be more enthusiast about living his life".

sometimes, I quit trying. not because I'm too weak but because I know my limit. I mean, you can't push yourself when you know that you can't. for example, I tried so hard to be smarter in Biology and Chemistry. but most of them are about remembering things and at the same time I am a forgetful person. that's why I can't be so smart at those subjects. and that's why I hate both of them.

another simple example is when you are about to pick which university that suits you. if you can pass the test, then it's fine. but if you can't, don't force yourself. even if you can get into that uni, doesn't mean you can go through every subject. :)

this post is dedicated to all of you who are going to face another admission test. try your best, know your limit. :)
I love you, readers. :*

mom's month

it's july now and I'm getting nervous because the deadline to do the scientific writing is soooooo close. what makes me nervous is not the deadline but because I didn't do anything yet.

just skip that one. I don't want to talk about it

the other things that's gonna happen in July is mom's birthday. this year, my mom will be 44 y.o.
my mom is one of the independent women I ever know. because she grows in a big family with small income.
my mom is the eldest one, so she has to taking care of her brothers and sisters -she has 2 brothers and 2 sisters- every single day.
when she was in high school, she moved to the capital city of North Sulawesi.
my momma's english is not that good. it's not even good at all. but in the other side, she's smart as hell if you talk to her about medicine and stuffs. yeah, my mom is a nurse.

thank God she is a nurse because she's not gonna feel disgusted when she's taking care of her babies. :)
and maybe that's why my daddy picked her.
they have silly relationship when they were young. I mean, in the early year, it's not usually happened. :D

now my mom is a single parent because her husband is a fucking jerk. how come a husband not provides ANYTHING -I repeat, ANYTHING- to his wife? that's stupid and irresponsible. I am sorry for telling this to the world mom, but I am sick of his behavior.

I promise to myself, I won't find a guy who gives me everything when we were just "in a relationship" and stop doing it when we married.

that's it for now. I need to going back to work. good luck in everything you do readers. esp in your love life. seriously.
see you later.
love ya!

PS: if you see this bryan -my step brother from my mom's husband-, I am sorry for saying that your dad is a jerk, but I do mean it. don't worry, I still love you. ;)