dear, you..

I had a dream last night.
you were dead.
stabbed by someone in the train.
I woke up and cried because I can't deal with it.
but I'm glad. because some people said if you dream about someone's death, they'll have long life.

there's a lot of memories about you and me.
a lot.
on my vessel, in my real life, on internet.
those movies, those songs, those laughs.
those crazy moments.

I know it wouldn't be that easy to erase you from my life.
probably, it will never happen.

I never thought that e-mail would be my last fuck up.
I wish I wouldn't do that.
but it's too late, isn't it?

sometimes I laugh. not at you. not at us. at myself for being so fucking stupid.
but I know it's over.

remember when you told me your life is a fucking pain?
no it's not.
you have the greatest life I've known. fuck the pain when you have a lot of people that love you so much.

at this moment, I want to apologize.
for not making you happy when you were with me.
for always being a crybaby.
for not doing the right things.
for tripping all day long when we were together.
because I wasn't there most of the time when you needed someone to talk to.
for not understanding your condition and being so selfish.

and I want to thank you.
for make me laugh when I almost forgot how to.
for the great nicknames
for the funny cursing. really. I never mad at you because of that.
for those nights you spent with me.
for anything you give to vessel; the rainmeter, foxtab, teamview. anything.
for the love no one can ever give to me.

I think that's it.
don't change.
don't tell me to stop loving you because I can't.
I love you, hitam. I will always do.
I won't say "bye" to you. so, later.