last day

no, readers. I am not about to die. lol. I will go home tomorrow so I have to stay to a closer place to airport. ~ before I go, I want to say Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to y'all readers. have a wonderful Christmas this year. and I'm gonna miss you so much. ~ I got some gifts from my best friends ana & zesy. thank you guys. I'll open it exactly on Christmas and on my birthday. :') ~ I will miss this town though. I live here for half a year. so, this is my home now. :') I miss my man already. save the world, honey. tell jarvis I am gonna miss him too. :') ~ 10:55 readers, I have to go. I'll post some stuff if I have time and internet connection at my hometown. I love you.

Christmas preparation

it's 4 days left until Christmas!
I'm excited because it means I will be home in 4 days. my family are waiting for me and my sister. my brother said they're making cakes and cookies for me and my sister.
lol. it's gonna be a big Christmas though.

~

well, one thing I regret is my mom won't be there on my birthday. she has a job which will take her to Surabaya. another town in Indonesia.
she'll stay for 5 days. and honestly, I don't like it.
she said she'll be there at new year's eve.
it's okay, I just sad because I have to pass another birthday without my mom.
and my man.

~

I just bought 2 dresses and a pair of shoes. I'm gonna wear them on Sunday, Dec 26th and Saturday, Jan 1st. :)
thanks to my bestfriends: anna and zesy for helping me find the right dress. :D
aaaaaaaaaaaand, my size is M. lol. I know it depends on the material of the dress, because the first one I bought is sized XL. :)) but I am still glad. :D
I'm gonna post ton of pics here. :x :x

~

how's your Christmas preparation, readers? is everything cool? I hope they do. :D
I really don't wanna separate with internet right now.
after half and a year, all my stories are in this blog. they're all on the internet.
I think I don't know how to interact with human anymore.
:D
and I'm gonna miss my man. I don't know if he'll miss me or not, but who cares? I'll miss him still and I miss him already.
I hope his Christmas will going great too.
^_^

~

08:22
I have a job (again). my boss contact me this morning and ask me to do something before I go home.
what's wrong with help a person though? she'll pay me though, so I said yes.
naaawww, here I am, sitting here, posting something on the blog before I do that job.

hey readers, may I ask you to do me a favor? please chat me on my yahoo messenger pingbox on the right and tell me any movie you pick for this Christmas. :)
and readers, I am gonna miss you too.
I don't know most of you. and I don't have any idea where you live or stuff like that.
but if you celebrating Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas this year.

love you.

homecoming stuff

kaboom! :))
freak. well, that's me. I know it sounds weird replacing my "hi" with "kaboom". but you'll getting bored if you keep reading "h" and "i" at the beginning of every post.
:p

~

beside, this "kaboom" shows my happy-feeling now.
well, first, my boy is back. >:D<
I still got my punishment, buuuuuuuut I think it's fair.
beside, I got a lot of homework from him. 3 movies to watch and one of them is corny. sial.
I don't feel like watching it, but he keeps saying: "you won't understand the second one if you don't watch the first"
honestly, readers, my eye can't tolerate corny graphics. so psssshhh.. maybe I'll just hear it and not see it. *kidding babe. :p

~

2nd, I'll be home. at Christmas.
25th of December at 01 pm. :)
I am happy and sad.
I am happy because I will see my family whom I don't see for the last half an year.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnddddd
I am sad because I won't see anybody here for around 2 weeks. plus, I won't see my baby though.
but it's alright. home is always the most comfortable and the safest place on earth.
oh, I have a little problem here. I don't have any suitcase! damn. how can I go without a suitcase?
well, I have tons of home-clothes there.. but I lost 40 pounds, so, I guarantee you my jeans won't fit me anymore.
still thinking about it.

~

I am thinking about giving a Christmas present for my mom. but I have no idea what should I give to her. I don't wanna ask. it won't be a surprise anymore.
I'll ask my baby later. he's good at gift. :p
I wanna give my sister and my step father too, buuuuut, it costs so much. I don't have that much money.
I know I am working, but I have payment and need too. sigh.

~

02.41
I want to sleep but I am not sleepy. soooo, maybe I'll gaming. :D
mafia wars, farmville, lucky train, gourmet ranch, millionaire city, damn! I have 30 games I used to play. but I think the number has reduced to 10 or less.
so, before I quit, I want to say thanks to everyone who concerns to me. who keeps cheering me every time.
and big thanks to God for not taking him away from me.
and thanks to him for giving me another chance. I love you babe. but I still love your jarvis more. *kidding
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH readers and friends. and love You, God. You're rock!
^_^

don't think I don't think about it

it's 3:20 am and I can't sleep at all.
yeah I used to be like this. but this one is different. I am afraid of nightmare. very bad nightmare.
I can't even close my eyes even just for a while.

~

what are you use readers? tell me what makes you can sleep earlier. I try every possible way to not be a vampire anymore. but it didn't work.
I read books, listen to a music, do stuff like that but I can't be normal.
well, I'm scared by this heart problem. now I got another headache problem.
phew. but I just can't change my time area.

~

beside that, I keep thinking about my problem. it getting worse because I have no midterms anymore so I can't turn my attention of off him.
I want to pretend like nothing happen between us. but then, it will makes him think that I don't even have regret.
I want to say "I am sorry" every single time. but in the end, he will think that I'm doing too much.
I don't have any idea what am I supposed to do now. if I didn't say something to him, will I look like a retarded?
or maybe all he needs is space?
blank.

~

I don't want to give up on him. I keep thinking like, "oh fie, you don't deserve anyone." or "maybe he's right by treating me like this" or "why am I so stupid? I should have believe him".
but it won't change everything. he was right. I took our happiness for granted. now I don't know what am I supposed to do.
guilty? HELL YEAH. he trust me and I don't trust him? at that moment I don't trust him? what the hell is wrong with me?
sometimes I wish he'll make a surprise by talk to me in pingbox again and pretend like he don't know me. and blah blah blah.
but it's impossible now. my site, this site, is probably the last site that he'll visit.
gosh I miss him.

~

am I supposed to let him go? he doesn't like me anymore. I think he hates me right now.
people say "hope make you strong", now when I was hope he'll be my last, yes, it makes me stronger. now, when I hope he'll give me another chance, I lost my strength.
I don't even know how to fix this.
I asked my bestfriend, best of the best friend, and she says

"that what makes your relationship grow, fie. face it. don't just give up. fix it. try every way you can. in the end, if he won't give you a chance, he's not yours. and he will never be. you do change, fie. he just doesn't know you as long as me. keep trying. you can do it"

she knows me for about 3 years. she is the one who knows every little secret of me. she knows my family, my life, how mess is my room, and so much else. and when she said that sentence, I know she was right. I have to try, but if he's not mine, he never meant to be.

~

yep. I should give him a space. I'll manage my homecoming I think. is 10 days enough for him? or is it takes months? years (again)?
no one knows.

~

3:47
well, I'm listening to JLo ft. Fat Joe - Hold You Down right now.
this song is great in case I am in the lowest right now.
readers, it's time to bed. :D
I won't let myself talking shit anymore.
so, have a nice sleep everywhere you are, guys.
have a nice dream (now I really mean it when I say this)
aaaaaaaaaaaanddddd.... I love you.

free! :D

finally! midterms finish today. :)
I get back my life again. hoho.
hey readers, good day.
how's life?

~

I just finished my midterms today. well, it's not too bad. I think I can do that one.
I'm not free yet, actually. still have 2 days work. wish me luck.

~

my sister will come tonight. so, I won't spend so much time in front of vessel.
:P
vessel is the new name of my computer. why vessel? first, it sounds like my name. and second, vessel is a detector in my favorite game. :)
vessel vessel vessel.. :)

~

well, this time, I want to say thanks for visitor of my pingbox. which finally reach 100th visitors today. the last one ID-ed K5. :)
sorry, for not replying your chat K5, I was sleep. :D
99th visitors is Richard. thank you sir. sometimes talk to someone I don't know is not bad.

~

thank you for all of you who is reading this right now.
well, another crap, huh?
:p
I still try to fix my relationship. but now, I don't think I can make it. :)
it's okay readers. maybe I will never deserve someone from this planet.

~

12:12
well, I wanna watch some movies.
as always, love you readers. :)

I don't want to write. I need to write.

hi readers. I know you're confused of reading the title of this post. but yeah. I think, write is no longer a want. it's a need. I need write more than I need food.
so, here I am, try to write something in case I don't want you, readers, to do the same mistake that I did.

~

well, I'm fighting. with him. you already know who is he. so I don't need to explain.
it's my mistake actually. I accused him with nonsense bullshit about there's someone in his house.
he's mad at me. and probably, he hates me now.
my december wish never came true.

~

I tried to apologize about 5 times, but I don't think I will get 2nd chance readers.
I love this man. I really do. and I regret everything I said. but it won't be enough for him, I think.
honestly, I am no good at making a mail for him. I already made 3 mails and send them, but it seems not work. I've planned to send him another one (could be the last one), but not now. maybe later when he's ready to talk with me. unless, he will never want to talk anymore.

~

look, readers, I think I don't have to make it clean that nobody's perfect. so do I.
everyone has their own weakness, and mine is temper. don't think I don't think about my weakness. I lost so many things just because my temper. don't think I never try to change it, readers. I do. I still do it until now. sometimes when I feel like I will be mad, I just go by myself and don't want to talk to someone. that's one thing I do to manage this temper.
sometimes, I just hold my temper. shut my fucking mouth off, so then I won't hurt anybody which is 99% after that will hurt myself though.
or the last try, I just cry.
yeah, cry.
I hate tears. I don't like tears because they'll never run out. you know what I mean? how long you cry, how hard you cry, your tears will always be there. and I don't like it.

~

I am not that kind of sissy girl. I am not that tough though. people always said: "fie, you never look sad." or "your life is so perfect" or "you never look stressed out".
they just wrong. they just didn't know what I faced and what I'm facing.
but look, I want to tell you how strong smile power is.
when you smile, it means you transfer some of your own happiness to people. when you frown, you took away their happiness. that's the fact. that's why I try not to frown. even though sometimes I have big problems I need to face alone.

~

readers, you just see that I fall in the same hole. I don't want to compare him and mr. 7 years. they're different. and this one is so perfect.
hey, when you're not ready to let the people you love go, don't do something that can make them mad at you.
right now, I would like to pretend that I am fine, readers. I am fine. but for what? for run away from the truth that I'm still a woman with a heart? for confess that I still can't fall in love? no readers. I am tired of pretend.
I love this man, but I can't tell him how much I love him. that's why I tell you.

~

early in the afternoon, I prayed. I prayed because I have a bad feeling about my heart. real heart I mean.
I said:

"God, if it has to end like this, just calm me down. I can't cry like days anymore, God. You know how long I've been hurt. and I know that You will never let that happen to me again. You are the one who can hear me even though I'm not saying something. even though I'm not writing some post.
I don't blame You for let me be with the wrong person for now. I blame myself for falling so fast. I'm not supposed to fall in love, I know.
God, if he's not the last, then make him the one before the last. don't make me fall for wrong person again. I am not that strong, God. I know You know it.
amen."

I got relief for a couple hours. and when I am awake, I feel bad again, readers. like crap. or worse.

~

this post is not dedicated to him. it's about him but dedicated to you readers. so then you can learn something from my life. my story. I didn't want you to make mistake, readers. hell no.
if you love someone, fight for them. the fact is, I still will fight for this. he worth it.
if I'm not win, in the end, at least I try. I just don't want to give up on this one. he's perfect. I told you that. I don't care if he's crazy, if he's ever be with another woman. I don't care readers. I love this man. if I give up on him, maybe it will take another years to make me fall in love again.
I can't

~

09:41
well, I have to work. I accept a work from a friend for 3 days.
that's the only way to turn my attention off of him for a while.
I love you, too, readers.

ps: someone ID-ed K5' try to chat with me a couple days ago. hey K5' if you read this, just back at pingbox again. thanks.

★ thank you, readers! ★

long time no see readers. what? about one week? yeah. I am busy taking care of midterms.
any news? well I don't have too much news. lets start from the oldest news since my last post.

~

well, my boy is alright. he still alive and getting crazier.
at least, I am glad he crazy. because maybe, if he's normal, he won't like me. :))=))

~

this week is the easiest week. why? because there are only 2 subjects of midterms. and they're easy as hell.
I hope I didn't gave a cross at the wrong answer.
damn. I always in a hurry. :))=))

~

okay. enough talking shit. :p
according to the title of this post, I will say thank you so much for all of you.
all of you. whoever you are.
thanks for keep reading this crap even though sometimes I make mistakes with my english post.
I'll try to keep posting in english but I will need my Indonesian too when I post some task.

why thanks? this afternoon, I saw my blog's stats. and it's amazing. I got 12000 pageviews.
waow.
that's such a big number.
I will post the screenshoot below.

this is the overview.
all time is 12.000 and I hope it'll keep going up. because it proves something to me.
:)


this is the top 10 post views.
all of them is Indonesian post.
and most of them are my school work. :)
well, this also mean something to me.
at least, my posts aren't that meaningless. :)

well, this is the sites where you find this blog.
google have it.
:)


I know it!
Indonesia must be the place where most of my reader live.
:)
so it stills on the top rank.
10000
waow.
and what makes me glad, is I see that rockmelt browser is on the 4th rank of browser.
:)
well, I still have 2 invitation. if you want it. tell me.

~

readers, I know thousands, millions, or billions thank you won't enough to say my respects to you.
if I know your name, maybe I can post it here.
well thanks for visitor who leaves a spot on my pingbox.
who leaves a comment.
who reads this crap.
my classmate, my boyfriend, my facebook friends, my twitter follower, everyone.
thank you.

~

08:05
I have to go now.
again, thank you.
and as always, I love you all. :)

N-E-R-V-O-U-S

yes I am so damn nervous right now.

my boy gonna face his injection because of his spinal disk herniation.
and he keeps tweeting me, telling me his nervous.
gosh, he has been through this before and he stills nervous.

I don't have any idea how hurts is that injection.
but he a tough guy. he never been like this before. :'(
that's why I am nervous. it must be really hurt.

~

readers, I won't sleep until I know he's fine. he's okay.
at least I already told him to let his brother tweet me anything happen.

I just read that article about spinal injection and I'm afraid of the effect.
I won't tell him 'cause it's gonna scared him.

~

God, please just let him share his pain with me.
amen.

#decemberwish: don't take him away from me

hi readers. how are you?
it's december 1st now.
what do you wish for december?
I wish a lot of thing. things that could happen easily and maybe won't happen at all.
:)

~

well, okay, I'm in a relationship with mr. krazzy now.
I'm glad. just a little bit worry. I'm not worrying his kids, his old job, his color or some shit like that. I'm worrying myself. I still thinking how to tell my mom about him.
plusssss, he will come on march next year! :)
so, sooner or later I have to tell my mom. :)
well, I hope he'll be my last.
I don't want anyone else. he's the one who can make me laughing all the time and smiling all day even when he's not there.

~

oh, big warn! before you continue reading this post, I have to tell you that this post maybe will tell you about him.
I mean, don't get bored but that's what I have: HIM.

~

before I show him the picture of my hometown, he wants to go to Jakarta. and now? he crazy about the mountains. he wanna climb them and jump off of them.
he also wants to ride a dolphin. daaaaaaaaaaaamn. I keep looking for it.
ask everyone where I can find dolphin to ride in Indonesia.
until now, I'm not find it yet. so please, if you know where he can rides dolphin, tell me, please.
you know what he said? "if I can't ride the damn dolphin, then nobody can" and he starts to making plan about sabotage the seaworld, ride a dolphin, and kill it. in the end, he says I supposed to eat the dolphin.
hell no, I won't.

~

another plan? I have to find aquaman for him. and we're gonna kick his ass. LMAO. this is the craziest plan ever.
but I'll try. ;)

~

I'm soooooo in love with this guy.
it's funny huh? about what? a month ago, I'm still a stupid girl who falls in love with a man who thinks that I'm invisible.
and now, I am crazy about this one.
I don't care, readers. I love tyrell. :p

~

he laughs so hard when he saw my picture which contain me and my cousin. he says I was born with computer on my hand. =))
he laughs again when I told him that my beloved uncle afraid of safety pin.
but for real readers, my uncle, yes, real afraid of safety pin. if you say "peniti/paniti/paneti" which is means safety pin, he will throw up.
don't bring that safety pin in front of him, or he'll freakin' out.
lol
but I still love my uncle. he draws like crazy. he has that wonderful capability. :)

~

bored enough to read this?
:p
tomorrow I'm gonna face my mid test.
wish me luck, readers.
:)

~

I read this quote and I remember him, so I'll post it here:

"I love you with all my B.U.T.T. I would say my heart, but my B.U.T.T is bigger."

you know something? he like my ass. :))=))
no. for real, he do. :))=))
that makes me laugh every time I remember it.
no one like big phat ass.
he's the only one. he's nuts and crazy (at this time, he'll add: and awesome)
=)) <-- if you type this on my yahoo messenger on the right of this blog, you will see the "ROFL" emoticon. and you know what? he loves him. he called it "yellow man" he was like "I wanna play with my yellow man.", "that yellow man is my favorite", blah blah blah. =)) I love him!

~

last night he makes me cry. I was so worried about him because in our last conversation, he told me he has problem with breathing. I am so worried about him. I mention him on twitter like 30 times, I post on his facebook, I do e-mail him, I try to reach him everywhere. but finally he's there. :') ~ he down on his knee (because he's way taller than the camera position), and says: "hey fiss, look at me. are you looking at me right now? okay. I love you. I don't want you to worried about me. I want you to be happy when you're with me. and want you to keep smiling like that when you're with me.
if I don't text you on twitter for two days, then something wrong."

~

10:43
aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
and I love you so much, readers. :)
and thank God for meet me and him.
kissesandhugs