I don't want to write. I need to write.

hi readers. I know you're confused of reading the title of this post. but yeah. I think, write is no longer a want. it's a need. I need write more than I need food.
so, here I am, try to write something in case I don't want you, readers, to do the same mistake that I did.

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well, I'm fighting. with him. you already know who is he. so I don't need to explain.
it's my mistake actually. I accused him with nonsense bullshit about there's someone in his house.
he's mad at me. and probably, he hates me now.
my december wish never came true.

~

I tried to apologize about 5 times, but I don't think I will get 2nd chance readers.
I love this man. I really do. and I regret everything I said. but it won't be enough for him, I think.
honestly, I am no good at making a mail for him. I already made 3 mails and send them, but it seems not work. I've planned to send him another one (could be the last one), but not now. maybe later when he's ready to talk with me. unless, he will never want to talk anymore.

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look, readers, I think I don't have to make it clean that nobody's perfect. so do I.
everyone has their own weakness, and mine is temper. don't think I don't think about my weakness. I lost so many things just because my temper. don't think I never try to change it, readers. I do. I still do it until now. sometimes when I feel like I will be mad, I just go by myself and don't want to talk to someone. that's one thing I do to manage this temper.
sometimes, I just hold my temper. shut my fucking mouth off, so then I won't hurt anybody which is 99% after that will hurt myself though.
or the last try, I just cry.
yeah, cry.
I hate tears. I don't like tears because they'll never run out. you know what I mean? how long you cry, how hard you cry, your tears will always be there. and I don't like it.

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I am not that kind of sissy girl. I am not that tough though. people always said: "fie, you never look sad." or "your life is so perfect" or "you never look stressed out".
they just wrong. they just didn't know what I faced and what I'm facing.
but look, I want to tell you how strong smile power is.
when you smile, it means you transfer some of your own happiness to people. when you frown, you took away their happiness. that's the fact. that's why I try not to frown. even though sometimes I have big problems I need to face alone.

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readers, you just see that I fall in the same hole. I don't want to compare him and mr. 7 years. they're different. and this one is so perfect.
hey, when you're not ready to let the people you love go, don't do something that can make them mad at you.
right now, I would like to pretend that I am fine, readers. I am fine. but for what? for run away from the truth that I'm still a woman with a heart? for confess that I still can't fall in love? no readers. I am tired of pretend.
I love this man, but I can't tell him how much I love him. that's why I tell you.

~

early in the afternoon, I prayed. I prayed because I have a bad feeling about my heart. real heart I mean.
I said:

"God, if it has to end like this, just calm me down. I can't cry like days anymore, God. You know how long I've been hurt. and I know that You will never let that happen to me again. You are the one who can hear me even though I'm not saying something. even though I'm not writing some post.
I don't blame You for let me be with the wrong person for now. I blame myself for falling so fast. I'm not supposed to fall in love, I know.
God, if he's not the last, then make him the one before the last. don't make me fall for wrong person again. I am not that strong, God. I know You know it.
amen."

I got relief for a couple hours. and when I am awake, I feel bad again, readers. like crap. or worse.

~

this post is not dedicated to him. it's about him but dedicated to you readers. so then you can learn something from my life. my story. I didn't want you to make mistake, readers. hell no.
if you love someone, fight for them. the fact is, I still will fight for this. he worth it.
if I'm not win, in the end, at least I try. I just don't want to give up on this one. he's perfect. I told you that. I don't care if he's crazy, if he's ever be with another woman. I don't care readers. I love this man. if I give up on him, maybe it will take another years to make me fall in love again.
I can't

~

09:41
well, I have to work. I accept a work from a friend for 3 days.
that's the only way to turn my attention off of him for a while.
I love you, too, readers.

ps: someone ID-ed K5' try to chat with me a couple days ago. hey K5' if you read this, just back at pingbox again. thanks.