don't think I don't think about it

it's 3:20 am and I can't sleep at all.
yeah I used to be like this. but this one is different. I am afraid of nightmare. very bad nightmare.
I can't even close my eyes even just for a while.

~

what are you use readers? tell me what makes you can sleep earlier. I try every possible way to not be a vampire anymore. but it didn't work.
I read books, listen to a music, do stuff like that but I can't be normal.
well, I'm scared by this heart problem. now I got another headache problem.
phew. but I just can't change my time area.

~

beside that, I keep thinking about my problem. it getting worse because I have no midterms anymore so I can't turn my attention of off him.
I want to pretend like nothing happen between us. but then, it will makes him think that I don't even have regret.
I want to say "I am sorry" every single time. but in the end, he will think that I'm doing too much.
I don't have any idea what am I supposed to do now. if I didn't say something to him, will I look like a retarded?
or maybe all he needs is space?
blank.

~

I don't want to give up on him. I keep thinking like, "oh fie, you don't deserve anyone." or "maybe he's right by treating me like this" or "why am I so stupid? I should have believe him".
but it won't change everything. he was right. I took our happiness for granted. now I don't know what am I supposed to do.
guilty? HELL YEAH. he trust me and I don't trust him? at that moment I don't trust him? what the hell is wrong with me?
sometimes I wish he'll make a surprise by talk to me in pingbox again and pretend like he don't know me. and blah blah blah.
but it's impossible now. my site, this site, is probably the last site that he'll visit.
gosh I miss him.

~

am I supposed to let him go? he doesn't like me anymore. I think he hates me right now.
people say "hope make you strong", now when I was hope he'll be my last, yes, it makes me stronger. now, when I hope he'll give me another chance, I lost my strength.
I don't even know how to fix this.
I asked my bestfriend, best of the best friend, and she says

"that what makes your relationship grow, fie. face it. don't just give up. fix it. try every way you can. in the end, if he won't give you a chance, he's not yours. and he will never be. you do change, fie. he just doesn't know you as long as me. keep trying. you can do it"

she knows me for about 3 years. she is the one who knows every little secret of me. she knows my family, my life, how mess is my room, and so much else. and when she said that sentence, I know she was right. I have to try, but if he's not mine, he never meant to be.

~

yep. I should give him a space. I'll manage my homecoming I think. is 10 days enough for him? or is it takes months? years (again)?
no one knows.

~

3:47
well, I'm listening to JLo ft. Fat Joe - Hold You Down right now.
this song is great in case I am in the lowest right now.
readers, it's time to bed. :D
I won't let myself talking shit anymore.
so, have a nice sleep everywhere you are, guys.
have a nice dream (now I really mean it when I say this)
aaaaaaaaaaaanddddd.... I love you.