look, I am not usually like this. but, I want to tell you that I am typing this while I am crying. yeah. crying.
no no. I don't want you to feel sorry about me. I just. yeah. want to tell to anyone.
honestly, I can't cry in front of public. not even when I am watching movies on cinema.
so I just tell you.
at least you don't see me, right? so it's up to you to take this as a lie or a truth.
but I won't lie on my own site.
~
I was thinking about what was I go through in life.
yes, I have everything I need. got roof, got food, got shoes, education, I even at least, can speak english well.
who will think I will have these all?
:') when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of losing my parents. see them in a chest. and I was scared. now, my dad's gone. and the only thing I wish is I'll go next because I don't think I can see my mom in the chest too.
~
you know? I know pc since I was on 4th grade of elementary. or maybe 3rd grade. 8 years old girl. never think I will be so addicted to this thing.
I don't remember first game I played. I thought it was tetris. or I think some adventure game. but that wasn't the thing that makes me pick this thing.
I have my first mail when I am in 5th grade. then know google, mIRC, stuff like friendster. I have 3 of that.
and now? I am a geek. tech geek. well I am not as geek as my geek-er friend. lol. I am not good at tracing someone, hacking stuff, and many other crazy stuff my friend can do. I don't want to do that because I don't want that such a thing happen to me too.
people were right. if you have thousands of friends on internet, you have just a bunch of them in real world. so do I. I mean, I know hundreds people in real world. but which one is a friend? no one knows.
and now I just wondering. I can't even cry in front of my parents. I can't cry in front of my sister. friend? never. so what is a friend? if friend is someone you can always borrow they shoulder to cry on, then I have none of them.
~
hey it's funny. I am listening to Playhouse right now, but I still cry.
I have a job now. thank God for that. for the money I make and for the thing that can take my mind off something else.
back when I was a child. when my teacher asked all of the student in my class about what is their purpose when they grew up, they all have one. me? nope.
I never thinking about what I want to be. and I have no purpose in life.
and this is the day. I was in junior high when I am so addicted listening to radio. and I want to be one of them. send message to anyone. work hidden. so people won't know how's your look like. and that's the job people don't care how you look like.
one day I got that job. 3 months working, I am enjoying every minute of that job. I don't even take that as a job.
and I have to quit, because I need to move here. in this town. great.
I still want to be a radio announcer. but how? who knows? 5 years from now, will radio still exist? you'll have live tv streaming. you can download any song you want to hear. what else? I don't think I can make it.
~
my love life? I remember my first crush. he's my neighbor. I think around 2 or 3 years older than me. I told my friend - who also his cousin - about I like him. and she tells him. and you know what he said? "she's ugly!". end of the story.
my first boyfriend, we have different religion. he's about 4 years older than me. can't tell his name though. but he's jerk enough. so, screw him.
until now, when I am in a relationship, I never think about end up in marriage.
no no. I do think about it. just will never hope that will happen. because if it'll never happen, I think I'll go crazy. so, just think straight.
I don't even know what makes me so attractive. they say I have sex appeal. what sex appeal? damn. I am fat as hell.
I make friends with A LOT of boys. but they're friends. they don't even take me as a girl. they talk like I am a boy. just like them. at least, I can make people laugh. I think that's the greatest gift I ever have.
~
I maybe not have a long live. won't guess. but they say:
HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST.I got all these shits in my body. Insomnia, asthma, heart problem, fats everywhere, and a lot of things that maybe, I don't know.
well, my dad's taken when he swimming. caused? asthma.
nooooo. I didn't afraid of death. I just feel guilty because I've done nothing for people.
~
02:47 am.
whoa. I don't know how long it takes to write these shits.
I will write some stories of life later.
I live for 19 years. you don't think my story just happen in 3 years, right? ;)
hey woman reader. be smart. sometimes, a guy like a smart girl. and be patient. really. you need to be patient. I know what it feels like to be a temper person. I am trying to leave it. still work on it.
and for you man reader, do not ever make a girl cry, because God counts her tears. one other thing, be wise. you need to know when to do what. make decision fast but make sure they'll work. don't be a loser too. you won't know if that girl is waiting for you too if you don't ask. ;)
I love you all, readers. have a great rest.
:*
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