letter to my (future) child

dear my child,

if you're reading this, I know you're big enough now.
and I believe that you are smart enough to understand me and all these things inside my site.
when I write this, I have no idea about your sex, your name, I don't even have any idea about who is your daddy. you're probably a son, or a daughter. your name? I am pretty sure it's unique and no one has that name before.
and you are the greatest blessing in my life.

how's life? how's school?
sometimes life's getting harder, sweety. but I believe that you will get through everything.
don't worry about school, prove them that you're a smart kid! ;)

well, you probably already read all the posts inside this site so you know about me and my past.
you know about how unstable I am when facing a problem, how rude I am when I mad at someone or something, or how emotional I am when someone leaves me.
just don't be like that, sweety. that won't help at all.

honestly I don't know what to say to you. I just want you to know that I am well-prepared to have you. I want you since I was 16.
how's your dad? like I told you before, I don't have any idea about who is he right now. but if he become your daddy, I am sure that I really love him and I am pretty sure that he will be a great dad for you.
I know I ever felt like don't want to get married.
but I was wrong. I want to now because I want you and you have to be pure. :)

how old are you now? 13? younger? older?
when you read this, maybe I am still on your side, maybe I'm already gone.
if I am still on your side right now, I hope you can trust me.
I want you to respect me as your mom. but I want you to trust me as your best friend.
you can tell me everything. everything. I don't care if you did something bad, I just want you to tell me about it.
if I am gone, I apologize if sometimes I didn't treat you right or didn't listen to you. I wish me and your dad will never had a fight in front of you. but if we did, forgive us.

last thing I want you to know is I am proud of you being a part of my life. I never regret having you as my child.
I love you, sweety. I always do.

with love,

your mom.