Saturday, May 4, 2013

That Invisible Wall is Always There

I am sitting here all night thinking about what am I going to do.
Seriously, I am stuck.
Don't know where to move, what to do, what to say. I don't even know what I'm thinking of right now.
"Oh no, you know so damn well what are you thinking about!" said my brain.
"It's just a thought, though. What am I supposed to wrote? That? Don't think so." I replied.
"Come on! This is not going to be the first time you write about your complicated life and whining about it. Relax. No one gives a shit anyway."
"Shut up!"

I have to face the fact that I already promised my mom that I will graduate on time while I know, it's impossible.
That's life. You wish for one thing and one thing only, and suddenly you don't even want to try to make your wish come true.
What stressed me out? My mom called me everyday around 3 times per day. Even at 12 am. Seriously?
She didn't even let me sleep. I ruined my life by messing my biological hours up, and now when I am still trying to fix it, she ruined it with one phone call.

Me and my mom, we have this one relationship we couldn't fix. No matter what I do, I am always wrong. No matter what I do, I am afraid of her. Sometimes I am afraid that I will be more afraid of her than of God. I ignored phone calls from her just because I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to make stories up. I am tired. Like, really tired.
Don't get me wrong. My mom is an amazing woman. She has this work ethic, she loves her children. But with me, it's like there's an invisible wall between us that I couldn't cross. Neither one of us could.

It's been like this since I was a kid. Now that my dad's gone, it gets even worse. I'm trying to fix it, but I just can't. That makes me sad but I think that's the best.
You know when you want your mom to support you everytime? I want the same thing. But how come she can support me if I get scared if she's in the same town with me? I mean, she's here for a couple days but it feels like forever. I do nothing wrong but I am still scared.

I am sad I never had that mom-daughter time with my mom. I probably never will.
She supports me financially and mentally. But still, that invisible wall is always there. Always.