Saturday, November 23, 2013

You Don't Even Know

"Hi, how are you? I forgot to ask you something the other day; can I have your number?" is the only sentence I want to say to you right now.
I lost my gut whenever you're here.
I am either happy and sad.
You wanna know why?
I'm sad that I lost everything I practiced.
But I'm happy because it means I like you a lot.
A lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
I don't normally losing words in front of a guy because for me it's like losing my self-esteem.
And I hate that feeling.

So twice, huh?
Twice and all I know are your first name, where you live, your job, the name of your dog, and your origin.
Other than those, nothing.
And the worst part is I don't know when you will be here again.

It's too cliche, but I think I miss you.
I don't even have anything to miss about you.
I mean, we talked. But just twice or three times.
I'm not supposed to miss you, don't I?
See these walls? I've built them. Why? To avoid getting hurt.
But then there's this day, and there you go.
Tearing my walls down. Slowly and steady.

And you don't even know.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

That Invisible Wall is Always There

I am sitting here all night thinking about what am I going to do.
Seriously, I am stuck.
Don't know where to move, what to do, what to say. I don't even know what I'm thinking of right now.
"Oh no, you know so damn well what are you thinking about!" said my brain.
"It's just a thought, though. What am I supposed to wrote? That? Don't think so." I replied.
"Come on! This is not going to be the first time you write about your complicated life and whining about it. Relax. No one gives a shit anyway."
"Shut up!"

I have to face the fact that I already promised my mom that I will graduate on time while I know, it's impossible.
That's life. You wish for one thing and one thing only, and suddenly you don't even want to try to make your wish come true.
What stressed me out? My mom called me everyday around 3 times per day. Even at 12 am. Seriously?
She didn't even let me sleep. I ruined my life by messing my biological hours up, and now when I am still trying to fix it, she ruined it with one phone call.

Me and my mom, we have this one relationship we couldn't fix. No matter what I do, I am always wrong. No matter what I do, I am afraid of her. Sometimes I am afraid that I will be more afraid of her than of God. I ignored phone calls from her just because I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to make stories up. I am tired. Like, really tired.
Don't get me wrong. My mom is an amazing woman. She has this work ethic, she loves her children. But with me, it's like there's an invisible wall between us that I couldn't cross. Neither one of us could.

It's been like this since I was a kid. Now that my dad's gone, it gets even worse. I'm trying to fix it, but I just can't. That makes me sad but I think that's the best.
You know when you want your mom to support you everytime? I want the same thing. But how come she can support me if I get scared if she's in the same town with me? I mean, she's here for a couple days but it feels like forever. I do nothing wrong but I am still scared.

I am sad I never had that mom-daughter time with my mom. I probably never will.
She supports me financially and mentally. But still, that invisible wall is always there. Always.

Monday, April 29, 2013

The Edge of April

Woo Hoo!
Monday is near.
Hi, readers! Long time no see. It's around 27 days.
How you doin'? Y'all good? Yeah, me too.

First of all, thank you for keep reading my crap.
I am considering changing this domain into Actually, I was thinking about creating a new one, but this one is so historical I want to keep it updated. LOL.

These days I've been addicted to Stand Up Comedy. I've been watching Wanda Sykes and Kevin Hart. I love black stand up comedian. They're hilarious!
My favorite part from Wanda is when she performed at the 2009 Correspondents' Dinner:
I'm proud to say The First Black President. I know you're biracial, but The First Black President. That's unless you screw up. Then it's gonna be 'What's up with the half white guy?' - Wanda Sykes.
And my favorite part from Kevin is from his "I'm a Grown Little Man":
You ever seen them real big dudes, real huge, no neck, just being in the gym working out? I saw him one day and I just got mad and I said 'Dude why are you still here? That's it! you won!' - Kevin Hart.
You should try watch them. They really have that capability to turn your mood from -1 Million to +9 Billion.

Next, job and school. Both aren't really going that well now.
I'm so stressed out I can't even think. I mean, when people ask me about work or school, I don't even wanna talk about it. It set me off. Like, seriously.

And then, here comes the love life.
So, have I told you about Maté? Well, I lost my feeling for him. I mean, it's that's fast because I don't even know who he is. That's stupid. That's the stupidest thing ever. Turned out he's different. We met already and the real him isn't as funny as him when he talked to me via BBM. That sucks. Pineapples.
But then, as I told you before, I met this Denny guy. He's nice. I think he has great patience when it comes to talkative person like me. LOL. He answered almost everything I asked. Even when he was in a bad mood. It's crazy. I had a crush on him but then, it's all coming back to our faiths. We're not in the same religion and that's a big deal. I always said to anyone I've had a crush on:
If I ever leave God for you; if I ever change my religion because of you, do not marry me. Don't even have a relationship with me. Because if it's God that I left now, then next, it could be you. - Fissheal M.
So, yeah, it didn't work again. But I didn't regret it. He's mature enough to not change after I said such things. Great man.

Last but not least, IRON MAN 3 IS OUT, BABY!
I haven't seen it. I was planning on wearing a t-shirt that has arc reactor on it to watch this movie that I've been waiting since 2008!
What makes me sad is the rumor that this is probably the last movie when RDJ will starred as Tony Stark. Well, I didn't think I'm going to raise my kids in the world where RDJ isn't Iron Man.

I think that's all from now.

Love you! :*

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Expired Domain

LOL. yeah. this is going to be a short post.
now is no longer exist. :)
well, that looks better. :)

Saturday, March 30, 2013


that's the only Spanish word I know.

First of all, today's Good Friday. :)
Happy Good Friday to all of you who celebrating.

sooooooo, how are you? hope you're doing fine, readers. :)
I'm fine here. better, at least.
I got things to keep me busy, I got roof over my head, I got food, and I got you.

It's 1:34 am in the morning, GMT +07:00 and I am sleepy.
YAY! Finally. I've been waiting for this moment when I am about to hit the bed earlier.
Maybe it's because I'm tired. I ran this morning, then I cleaned up my room.
It's back to the normal day.

Well, anyway, I already asked Pak To (he's the man who keeps my dorm safe) if I could have a ferret or not.
Turned out, he said it's okay. As long as I keep it clean. :)
YAY (again)!
Now all I have to do is get one. I need some time to think but I think I'm getting there.

I don't have much story to tell, actually.
Oh, remember Maté? Yeah, the guy I liked. The one who introduced me to ferrets.
We're currently keeping our distance. No, I am the one who keeps the distance between us.
This is gonna sound silly, but it's his tweet that made me realized that we're never worked out.
He will never ever like me and everything's just impossible.
So, I back off. :)

I met another guy though. His name is Denny. He came with great personality.
But I think, he will be a good friend. :) Yes. Just friend. :)

I'm not liking anyone currently. I'm having a good time enjoying my life and my job.
I love meeting new people. This month, I got Maté, Denny, Raka, Resta, Pandi, and many others.
This time, I remembered Adit (he's my dorm mate's boyfriend) told me once:

3 things you should remember and do are:
1. Get closer with God.
2. Expand your network and friendship. Meet new people and have fun.
3. Be yourself.

Somehow, these three keep moving around in my head, try to remind me that these are probably the only things I should do.
Now, it works out. I met people. I not planning on changing and I am still trying to get closer to God.

Thank you for the time you took to read this.
I'll see you soon, then. :)


PS: It wasn't "Civet" it was "Ferret" :)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Meet The Ferrets

lol. I don't usually post photos right away, but I feel sooo great I want to post them!

so here's the story...

a week ago, I met a guy named Maté online.
we actually met by accident when we were commenting on Fajar's status.
so, cut story short, he's that kind of guy who has that capability to make me laugh.
like, seriously, laugh out loud.
in the middle of the night.
and early in the morning.
like, every time.

turned out, (I think) I like him. so then I learned everything I should know about him.
oh, and the most important thing that amazed me is: He loves ferret (or civet cat or whatever you call them)!!!
and I know, from the moment he sent me pictures of his 'children', I fell in love with ferret too. :)

and last night, Saturday, 23rd March 2013, I met a ferret!
so it was an earth hour event in Depok, Indonesia and they invited some communities and KasKus is one of them.
KasKus is the largest indonesian community so far. It's a forum with 4 million members. Including me.
In the other side, there's MULDOK. I guess it's "Musang (ferret in bahasa) Lovers Depok". CMIIW.

cut story short, I interested in one of the ferret and want to take picture with it.
It is friendly. It loves kissing and biting and kissing again and (finally) shitting on me. LOL.

This is the ferret I'm talking about.

And this is right after she shitted on me. lol.
I did pose when this picture was taken, but I don't understand why I made this face after.
At least, my face looks slimmer.

See the yellow spot on my shoulder? That's the poop. LOL.
Ferret's poop didn't smell bad. It's just... sticky.

In the end, I am happy. I finally got something to tell Maté.
I met some people, again. I met a nice guy named Raka.
I met Susi and her friends.
I hugged some ferrets. I hugged two ferrets actually.
and I am simply happy. :)

that's all from now.
love you!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Thank You, February. And Welcome, March!

This post supposed to be posted yesterday.
But IDK why, I think I just forgot.
I wrote anything I wanted to post here on notepad first.
So if I didn't remember, I'll just skip that post.
But not with this post. This one is so damn important!

Happy 1st of March!
today's a big day for people in the world because today's Justin Bieber's birthday.
for me, it's even bigger because today's c4's birthday!!!
Happy Birthday to c4.
yeah, we finally talk again and it makes me feel so good.
nah, I didn't expect to communicate. it's just, I want to fix my mistakes.

hi, c4. happy birthday!
wish you all the greatest thing in life.
ps: do not die before Iron Man 3.


hi, readers!
life's been good. :)
I am officially a trainee at the dream company I told you before.
I'm so excited. Thank you for pray for me. :)
And thank God for the job and thank God I have readers like you.
yeah I got e-mails these days and I am scared that I will failed. *Pray for me, please!*

my grades don't come up yet.
I am still nervous but I already tried to do the best I could.
now all I can do is pray.


oh, and remember the man I told you before? whose initial is A? yeah, things didn't work out very well between us two.
turned out he wasn't the man I want. he's cute as a boyfriend, but not mature enough to be considered as my other half.
beside, he got a girlfriend. lol. nah, even though he wasn't in a relationship, things still wouldn't work out.


I also want to take this time out to thank February.
I know it has only 28 days, but I felt like it was the longest month of the year.
Thank you for the ups and downs.
Thank you for taught me to trust my feelings.
Thank you for the love and heart break.
Thank you for the job, the friends, the experiences.
And thank you, for being the most amazing month of the year.
I thought you were gonna be the worst one, but turned out, I was dead wrong. :)


it's 5 o'clock in the morning now.
I am in the middle of making a decision whether to go back to sleep or not.
the thing is, I was planning on take a little run at 6 with my friend, Suci.
We'll see though, because I still got a task to do.
And I'm not so sure if she could wake up at 5:30. :))

I think that's everything for today.
thank you for the time you took to read this. :*
love ya, readers!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Pull Myself Together

Hi readers!
How's life? I hope you're being treated well. ;)
So, after very very long cry-for-a-week phase, I'm done!
Yeah, I seriously want and have to manage my life again.
I can't cry forever, can I?

These days I've been busy with looking for a job. I already found one of one company that I really wanted to work to.
Currently, I'm still waiting for the good news. *Pray for me, please!*
Beside the good news from the dream company, I'm also waiting any good news from my grades. :D
Last year, I skipped so many classes and I know if I couldn't pass those tests, that's my fault.
But for the first time in my life I seriously study hard. So I hope it'll pay my hard work. Though I'm a little bit scared.
In the middle of my nervous break down, now I realize I can't hold on to someone else but God.
I'm not trying to be religious here, but I finally realize, He's the only man who will never leave me alone. :)

But then, I am still looking around for someone nice. Someone I can picture my future with. Someone who can be my best friend and lover all at once.
I found one, his initial is A, but I am not so sure if this will work or not.
I mean, I've wasted years trying to build strong relationships with men. I want to get married in 2015 actually. :)
I think God works mysteriously on that. :)

Talking about best friend, remember my Partner In Crime, Indra?
Nah, you don't remember. LOL.
So he's been dieting for the last.. I don't know.. a year and a half, I guess. And he's in a nice shape now.
That motivated me to do some diet too. I started eat less and workout more.
I'm not actually a big fan of workout, but it feels really good when you're sweating. :)
Now I'm running if I have the spare time or the mood to go out, but if I'm not in any mood to run, I'm weightlifting.
Yeah, I have 6lbs yellow barbels in my room. :p
My current weight now is 73kgs or 161lbs. And I need to lose 22 lbs more to my ideal weight.
That's a lot of number, isn't it?
Well, one day, I'll say "I believe I could, so I did" :)

What else?
Hmm.. I guess that's all for now.
Thank you for reading this.
And, remember to have fun readers. :) It won't hurt.
I'll see you soon then. :)
Love you. :*

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Karma does Exist

hi, readers. how are you? fine I hope. :)

so, yeah. I'm officially single (again).
and I'm still crying my eyes out 'til I fall asleep. I really hope this phase of break-ups will end as soon as possible.

no, I'm not the one who broke up with him. he is. and in my opinion, you can judge this story from our opinions.
let's begin.


according to him, I:
- am selfish.
- can't understand his feelings.
- am a liar. biggest liar on earth.
- spend too much money.

now, I got opinions to defense myself of course.
- yes I am selfish. but I got reason for that. he's the first person who ever be my bf in real life. mostly I am constantly in a LDR. maybe that took me by surprise that I was very... pampered by a man.
- yes. I can't understand his feelings. I understand that. I always wanted to see him. like every single day of the rest of my life. and I can't get out of this fact.
- yes. I lied. to several people. like my mom. I lied about his status (I told my mom he was my senior in college), I lied about his job (he's a security), I lied about everything to my mom. but he doesn't know my mom. he never met her before. he doesn't know what is my mom capable of. once I told her the truth, I think the most proper way to say this is: there's no forgiveness.
- I did spend to much money. I can't get out of this fact as well. But I'm learning. I'm learning how to save some money for me later. for my future. for, well, our (ex) future.

you know what? my ex boyfriend is a perfect guy. physically and mentally.
he's tall, handsome, tough, cute, patient, kind, awesome, cool, super nice, et cetera. but, there's one thing I don't like about him. he's a liar.
no no. I didn't accuse him. it's the truth.


here's the story.
I felt something changed about him since Dec 2012. And the first thing that came through my mind was: he's in love with somebody else.
No, I couldn't prove that. All I can do was hoping. Hoping that I couldn't be more wrong.
Then, I get back to my hometown for few weeks. When I came back, he did pick me up at the airport et cetera.
That made me happy of course because I thought he was changed.
Few weeks later, it was Tuesday, I remember the exact day, I called him. And the first word he said after he picked up the phone is "What?!"
I didn't get it. He changed all of the sudden.
He didn't want to talk to me for a couple weeks. Then we met. It was Feb 5th. He broke up with me but I said no. Because he couldn't tell me the right reason. Beside, I got more exams to do so I begged him to understand my position and not break up with me at least 'til I graduate.
I remember he said "OK" on some conditions:
- I can't call him when he's working.
- I tell my mom the truth.
I said "fine". And I never called him while he was working without asked him first.
On friday, Feb 8th, he didn't reply my texts, he didn't answer his phone. and I was like, "I know this time is coming".
But again, there's still one little hope inside of me that said: maybe he ran out of credits and his phone was in silent mode.
After 1 week, he didn't change. I decided to go find him. It was Valentine's Day. I actually had no idea about where he currently lives. I remember some clues though and I believe I could find him with all the intentions I got.
And I found his place but I couldn't find him. so I came back again the next day to talk to him. That night he was working so I knew I will find him.
I wasn't surprised when he said he got another gf. They got together since Feb 7th. so technically, yes, he lied to me.
He said he was planning on getting married next year. I couldn't stop crying.
He started compared me with her. How good she is, how she didn't lie to her mom. and my heart was screaming "WE DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME MOM!".
It broke my heart into pieces. Matter of fact, I think I can't fall in love again.

People said I'm stupid for letting him hurt me like that, for still having a little hope, and for keep loving him.
But I'm not that kind of girl who easily hate people. Yes, he messed up. But people did too. I did too.
I know I probably will never be with him ever again, but I prayed really hard so that God would listen to me and granted my wishes.


You know what, readers? I think this is Karma. this is exactly what happened in 2010. The difference is, c4 didn't say anything to me for weeks. I thought he hated me already.
So, after I remember that, I wrote an e-mail to c4, my ex, to apologize if it hurts him when I left. Because now I'm hurting like real bad. Like I want to stop crying but I can't.
I thought that was exactly what happened to him that's why I apologize. I don't want anybody to hate me or curse me. I just want to have a happy life. with no hard feelings. no heart broken..

So, yeah, I want to take this time up to thank Oktavianus for letting me know how it feels like to be loved.
And apologize to c4 for everything that I've done. I have no idea, this would turned out this bad.


Thanks for reading, readers.
I hope your love life isn't as complicated as mine.

Quote for the day: "I made a promise never to settle why didn't I keep it?" - Stacey Orricco
well, it's actually her whole 'I'm Not Missing You' is the quote of the day.
download that song and listen to it.

Bye readers.
I love you.