Karma does Exist

hi, readers. how are you? fine I hope. :)

so, yeah. I'm officially single (again).
and I'm still crying my eyes out 'til I fall asleep. I really hope this phase of break-ups will end as soon as possible.

no, I'm not the one who broke up with him. he is. and in my opinion, you can judge this story from our opinions.
let's begin.

***

according to him, I:
- am selfish.
- can't understand his feelings.
- am a liar. biggest liar on earth.
- spend too much money.

now, I got opinions to defense myself of course.
- yes I am selfish. but I got reason for that. he's the first person who ever be my bf in real life. mostly I am constantly in a LDR. maybe that took me by surprise that I was very... pampered by a man.
- yes. I can't understand his feelings. I understand that. I always wanted to see him. like every single day of the rest of my life. and I can't get out of this fact.
- yes. I lied. to several people. like my mom. I lied about his status (I told my mom he was my senior in college), I lied about his job (he's a security), I lied about everything to my mom. but he doesn't know my mom. he never met her before. he doesn't know what is my mom capable of. once I told her the truth, I think the most proper way to say this is: there's no forgiveness.
- I did spend to much money. I can't get out of this fact as well. But I'm learning. I'm learning how to save some money for me later. for my future. for, well, our (ex) future.

you know what? my ex boyfriend is a perfect guy. physically and mentally.
he's tall, handsome, tough, cute, patient, kind, awesome, cool, super nice, et cetera. but, there's one thing I don't like about him. he's a liar.
no no. I didn't accuse him. it's the truth.

***

here's the story.
I felt something changed about him since Dec 2012. And the first thing that came through my mind was: he's in love with somebody else.
No, I couldn't prove that. All I can do was hoping. Hoping that I couldn't be more wrong.
Then, I get back to my hometown for few weeks. When I came back, he did pick me up at the airport et cetera.
That made me happy of course because I thought he was changed.
Few weeks later, it was Tuesday, I remember the exact day, I called him. And the first word he said after he picked up the phone is "What?!"
I didn't get it. He changed all of the sudden.
He didn't want to talk to me for a couple weeks. Then we met. It was Feb 5th. He broke up with me but I said no. Because he couldn't tell me the right reason. Beside, I got more exams to do so I begged him to understand my position and not break up with me at least 'til I graduate.
I remember he said "OK" on some conditions:
- I can't call him when he's working.
- I tell my mom the truth.
I said "fine". And I never called him while he was working without asked him first.
On friday, Feb 8th, he didn't reply my texts, he didn't answer his phone. and I was like, "I know this time is coming".
But again, there's still one little hope inside of me that said: maybe he ran out of credits and his phone was in silent mode.
After 1 week, he didn't change. I decided to go find him. It was Valentine's Day. I actually had no idea about where he currently lives. I remember some clues though and I believe I could find him with all the intentions I got.
And I found his place but I couldn't find him. so I came back again the next day to talk to him. That night he was working so I knew I will find him.
I wasn't surprised when he said he got another gf. They got together since Feb 7th. so technically, yes, he lied to me.
He said he was planning on getting married next year. I couldn't stop crying.
He started compared me with her. How good she is, how she didn't lie to her mom. and my heart was screaming "WE DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME MOM!".
It broke my heart into pieces. Matter of fact, I think I can't fall in love again.

People said I'm stupid for letting him hurt me like that, for still having a little hope, and for keep loving him.
But I'm not that kind of girl who easily hate people. Yes, he messed up. But people did too. I did too.
I know I probably will never be with him ever again, but I prayed really hard so that God would listen to me and granted my wishes.

***

You know what, readers? I think this is Karma. this is exactly what happened in 2010. The difference is, c4 didn't say anything to me for weeks. I thought he hated me already.
So, after I remember that, I wrote an e-mail to c4, my ex, to apologize if it hurts him when I left. Because now I'm hurting like real bad. Like I want to stop crying but I can't.
I thought that was exactly what happened to him that's why I apologize. I don't want anybody to hate me or curse me. I just want to have a happy life. with no hard feelings. no heart broken..

So, yeah, I want to take this time up to thank Oktavianus for letting me know how it feels like to be loved.
And apologize to c4 for everything that I've done. I have no idea, this would turned out this bad.

***

Thanks for reading, readers.
I hope your love life isn't as complicated as mine.

Quote for the day: "I made a promise never to settle why didn't I keep it?" - Stacey Orricco
well, it's actually her whole 'I'm Not Missing You' is the quote of the day.
download that song and listen to it.

Bye readers.
I love you.

Colon Aposthrope Parentheses

This is my fault.
You can call this karma because I think it is what karma is.
It's a deja vu. It happened to me before but it wasn't this bad.
Life's pretty fucked up now.
Mine. Not yours.
Well, maybe yours too. But I think mine's worse yours.

It was all started from my old job. Bad. Really bad. Like, low rate payment, stupid people to work with, a lot of jobs, moody boss, etc. Yes. I can make fun of people here. It's my blog. Fuck manner.
Then, stop working screw my financial life pretty bad too. I need to stop buying things I like and control my hunger. I can handle that. Well, not really.
Then, it affected my college life. Total mess. Sometimes I skipped class because I didn't feel like going. But sometimes I skipped class because I couldn't go.
Beside, I have no friend in that class. Oh, I have one. Her name is Debby. She's nice to me. But still, I can't always expect her to help me.
So, then, it affects my personal life.
First, my mom keep asking me when will I graduate. And I can't tell her the truth because she probably would kill me. Or kick me from the family. Total embarrassment. It's not that I'm stupid (or maybe I am), but it's more that I am... improvident (?).
Second, my boyfriend (or soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend) wants me to tell the truth to my mom because he's tired of running. He said if I didn't tell her the truth, he would break up with me. Well, he would anyway.
So yeah. It's pretty bad. Plus, my mom keeps telling me to go back home. I think I will tell her something to postponed my homecoming. I can't tell the truth.

These days I'm facing my mid test. And for the first time in my life. I am seriously studying. Hard. Super hard. Because memorizing is the second hardest thing in the world (after Chemistry of course) and all the subjects that being test this semester need to be memorized. So I studied. Super hard.
Then yesterday came up. I fought with my boyfriend. And it stressed me out. I can't think and I can't memorize anything. So you can imagine hoe it feels like to get 10 questions with nothing stuck on your head. And for the first time in my life. I felt like crying because I can answer NONE!
When the exam was over, I cried.

Now I am crying again. What a crybaby I am! I've been trying to distract my head with Polyvore (I have no exam until Dec 26th) but I keep crying over and over and over again.
So then, I think I should write. A very long time post on my blog. Because I can't handle this anymore.
Here's the story of why I'm crying.
It was last month. I already fell in love with him. And I know it's not going to be good because I turned into a monster when I fell in love.
And I did. I have bad temper. Everyone knew that. I am a jealous person. If I am jealous already, all you can do is either tell her that I'm jealous and tell her to stay the fuck out or I'll tell her myself.
Well, this story isn't about me being jealous though. So, let's skip that.

So it was last month. We were chatting on BlackBerry Messenger and at that moment, as long as I can remember, I wasn't in a bad mood.
I forgot what was we talking about and I don't keep history. So, I remember he told me "We need to talk. But not here. I am a man so not here.".
I know this type of words. But then again, it means two things: first, he's going to propose, second, he's going to break up.
And I was like "OK".
Four days after that chat, we met and talk. He told me this: "Last year mom (his mom) asked me if I'm serious with you. Because if I don't then she had someone to be introduced to me." Nah. I didn't yell. It was silence. I can't even remember making any sound. It shocked me. Why? 1. He didn't think he's serious or I'm serious. 2. He kept it from me for one year. ONE GODDAMN YEAR.
Oh yeah, if he told me that earlier I wouldn't be this broken because I probably had no feelings for him at that moment.
So I couldn't speak. I couldn't cry as well. I just sat there in silence. I don't want to break up. Really. I'm tired of starting over a relationship. And I love him.
But I already broke. Into pieces. You know that feeling when you are in a relationship with someone but deep inside you know it'll going to be over one day? Yeah, me too. This kind of shit happened to me before. But it wasn't this bad.

Today, I'm still begging him to talk to his mom. I mean, I can talk to her if I want to. But it's his decision. If he wouldn't do it and wouldn't let me do it, then he's the one who didn't love me anymore. It's him and not his mom.
Call me stupid but relationship really makes you do things you never thought you'd do. Begging, crying over a human (yeah, that's stupid unless he/she's dead), writing long post on blog and etc. But seriously, all my life people (esp. men) always treated me like shit. If that's going to happen again, I think I'm gonna be fine because I've got used to it.

Time like this, I really need my girl friends and my best friend in Taiwan. Well, I never really talk to him directly and cry on his shoulder but I think a little hang out and laugh would do. My girls are so busy. We're not living close to each other anymore. And I admit it I'm the one who make them hate me. But trust me, if I could turn back time, I would do anything to fix it. It's just... I can't afford crying alone... again.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

the last time I posted crap on this blog is when I was brokenhearted.
now I am about to do it again, because of the same fucking reason.
FUCK.

I Don't Care

it's such a dangerous sentence when it comes from me. and when I'm mad.
I don't think it's only me.
but when everyone gets mad and start saying "I Don't Care" you better watch out.

so since I have no one to talk to, no one to trust, and no one to depend on, I have to stand on my own feet.
but when it comes to my family, who should be the most trustable people in the world, I will give up everything.
I don't mind to lost my self-esteem when it's all about them.
I feel so stupid. moments ago, I (almost) believed that I have a lot of people to trust.
now I believe that the only thing I can trust is my site.
fuck people. nobody has a feeling.

3 Days to Birthmark

Yeahhhh (Yeahhh)

Ohh (Ohh)

Yeahhh (Yeahhh)

Ohh (Ohh)

Yeaahh

I made the mark on Feburary 1st

Between me and you, you can call it birth

The beginning of our universe

remind me of Alicia Keys first

I'm falling for you

I wish I had an opportunity to not do

What I did to hurt you

And now I'm here livin' with regrets

I know that it was my fault

I know that I got caught

So please dont loose your thoughts

Me lovin' you and you lovin' me

I'm on the highway swurvin'

I ain't drunk but I'm about to hit the curb

Lookin' at the calendar gettin' nervous Just a few more days till the first

Chorus:

So this the day it all began

One place that it came together

More than a ring or a tattoo

It's your birthmark that reminds me of you

So let's get on a airplane

Go back to where we began

To that point which is days apart

That's stamped right next to your heart

To your heart

To your heart

To your heart (To your heart) (X3)

(Your heart) (X3)

Get the calendar, go to August 3rd

First words today, we had our first words

First arguement got to let it go

Cuz it could possibly affect what our future holds

Flipping pages now I'm famous

Thinking back I ain't seen you in ages

Wishin' that I could have made it less painless

Brings me back, right back to the same mess

I know that it was my fault

I know that I got caught

So please dont loose your thoughts

Me lovin' you and you lovin' me

I'm on the highway swurvin'

I ain't drunk but I'm about to hit the curb

Lookin' at the calendar gettin' nervous

Just a few more days till the first

Chorus:

So this the day it all began

One place that it came together

More than a ring or a tattoo

It's your birthmark that reminds me of you

So let's get on a airplane

Go back to where we began

To that point which is days apart

That's stamped right next to your heart

To your heart

To your heart

To your heart (To your heart) (X3)

(Your heart) (X3)

January, Febuary, March, April, May

June, July, August is just another day

September, October, November tryin' to find a way

And December the month my calendar defeat again

If only we could go

To that place where me and you know

There's no fake, front, cheat or even lyin'

The time has come where we stand face to face

Chorus:

This the day it all began

One place that it came together

More than a ring or a tattoo

It's your birthmark that reminds me of you

So let's get on a airplane

Go back to where we began

To that point which is days apart

That's stamped right next to your heart

To your heart (X3)

That's stamped right right next to your heart

To your heart

To your heart

To your heart (To your heart)(X3)

That's stamped right next to your heart

hi, readers

I always said "I've been in worse condition." but I think I am in the worst condition right now.
I feel bad. it's my fault. I disrespect people I love. I miss my second chance I think. I can't stop fucking crying right now.
this is so hard. this is harder than anything before.
I feel like a crap.
really really need someone to talk to about right now.
love you, readers.