This is my fault.
You can call this karma because I think it is what karma is.
It's a deja vu. It happened to me before but it wasn't this bad.
Life's pretty fucked up now.
Mine. Not yours.
Well, maybe yours too. But I think mine's worse yours.
It was all started from my old job. Bad. Really bad. Like, low rate payment, stupid people to work with, a lot of jobs, moody boss, etc. Yes. I can make fun of people here. It's my blog. Fuck manner.
Then, stop working screw my financial life pretty bad too. I need to stop buying things I like and control my hunger. I can handle that. Well, not really.
Then, it affected my college life. Total mess. Sometimes I skipped class because I didn't feel like going. But sometimes I skipped class because I couldn't go.
Beside, I have no friend in that class. Oh, I have one. Her name is Debby. She's nice to me. But still, I can't always expect her to help me.
So, then, it affects my personal life.
First, my mom keep asking me when will I graduate. And I can't tell her the truth because she probably would kill me. Or kick me from the family. Total embarrassment. It's not that I'm stupid (or maybe I am), but it's more that I am... improvident (?).
Second, my boyfriend (or soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend) wants me to tell the truth to my mom because he's tired of running. He said if I didn't tell her the truth, he would break up with me. Well, he would anyway.
So yeah. It's pretty bad. Plus, my mom keeps telling me to go back home. I think I will tell her something to postponed my homecoming. I can't tell the truth.
These days I'm facing my mid test. And for the first time in my life. I am seriously studying. Hard. Super hard. Because memorizing is the second hardest thing in the world (after Chemistry of course) and all the subjects that being test this semester need to be memorized. So I studied. Super hard.
Then yesterday came up. I fought with my boyfriend. And it stressed me out. I can't think and I can't memorize anything. So you can imagine hoe it feels like to get 10 questions with nothing stuck on your head. And for the first time in my life. I felt like crying because I can answer NONE!
When the exam was over, I cried.
Now I am crying again. What a crybaby I am! I've been trying to distract my head with Polyvore (I have no exam until Dec 26th) but I keep crying over and over and over again.
So then, I think I should write. A very long time post on my blog. Because I can't handle this anymore.
Here's the story of why I'm crying.
It was last month. I already fell in love with him. And I know it's not going to be good because I turned into a monster when I fell in love.
And I did. I have bad temper. Everyone knew that. I am a jealous person. If I am jealous already, all you can do is either tell her that I'm jealous and tell her to stay the fuck out or I'll tell her myself.
Well, this story isn't about me being jealous though. So, let's skip that.
So it was last month. We were chatting on BlackBerry Messenger and at that moment, as long as I can remember, I wasn't in a bad mood.
I forgot what was we talking about and I don't keep history. So, I remember he told me "We need to talk. But not here. I am a man so not here.".
I know this type of words. But then again, it means two things: first, he's going to propose, second, he's going to break up.
And I was like "OK".
Four days after that chat, we met and talk. He told me this: "Last year mom (his mom) asked me if I'm serious with you. Because if I don't then she had someone to be introduced to me." Nah. I didn't yell. It was silence. I can't even remember making any sound. It shocked me. Why? 1. He didn't think he's serious or I'm serious. 2. He kept it from me for one year. ONE GODDAMN YEAR.
Oh yeah, if he told me that earlier I wouldn't be this broken because I probably had no feelings for him at that moment.
So I couldn't speak. I couldn't cry as well. I just sat there in silence. I don't want to break up. Really. I'm tired of starting over a relationship. And I love him.
But I already broke. Into pieces. You know that feeling when you are in a relationship with someone but deep inside you know it'll going to be over one day? Yeah, me too. This kind of shit happened to me before. But it wasn't this bad.
Today, I'm still begging him to talk to his mom. I mean, I can talk to her if I want to. But it's his decision. If he wouldn't do it and wouldn't let me do it, then he's the one who didn't love me anymore. It's him and not his mom.
Call me stupid but relationship really makes you do things you never thought you'd do. Begging, crying over a human (yeah, that's stupid unless he/she's dead), writing long post on blog and etc. But seriously, all my life people (esp. men) always treated me like shit. If that's going to happen again, I think I'm gonna be fine because I've got used to it.
Time like this, I really need my girl friends and my best friend in Taiwan. Well, I never really talk to him directly and cry on his shoulder but I think a little hang out and laugh would do. My girls are so busy. We're not living close to each other anymore. And I admit it I'm the one who make them hate me. But trust me, if I could turn back time, I would do anything to fix it. It's just... I can't afford crying alone... again.