You Don't Even Know

"Hi, how are you? I forgot to ask you something the other day; can I have your number?" is the only sentence I want to say to you right now.
I lost my gut whenever you're here.
I am either happy and sad.
You wanna know why?
I'm sad that I lost everything I practiced.
But I'm happy because it means I like you a lot.
A lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
I don't normally losing words in front of a guy because for me it's like losing my self-esteem.
And I hate that feeling.

So twice, huh?
Twice and all I know are your first name, where you live, your job, the name of your dog, and your origin.
Other than those, nothing.
NO-THING.
And the worst part is I don't know when you will be here again.

It's too cliche, but I think I miss you.
I don't even have anything to miss about you.
I mean, we talked. But just twice or three times.
I'm not supposed to miss you, don't I?
See these walls? I've built them. Why? To avoid getting hurt.
But then there's this day, and there you go.
Tearing my walls down. Slowly and steady.

And you don't even know.

The Edge of April

Woo Hoo!
Monday is near.
LOL.
Hi, readers! Long time no see. It's around 27 days.
How you doin'? Y'all good? Yeah, me too.

First of all, thank you for keep reading my crap.
I am considering changing this domain into fissheal.com. Actually, I was thinking about creating a new one, but this one is so historical I want to keep it updated. LOL.

These days I've been addicted to Stand Up Comedy. I've been watching Wanda Sykes and Kevin Hart. I love black stand up comedian. They're hilarious!
My favorite part from Wanda is when she performed at the 2009 Correspondents' Dinner:

I'm proud to say The First Black President. I know you're biracial, but The First Black President. That's unless you screw up. Then it's gonna be 'What's up with the half white guy?' - Wanda Sykes.

And my favorite part from Kevin is from his "I'm a Grown Little Man":

You ever seen them real big dudes, real huge, no neck, just being in the gym working out? I saw him one day and I just got mad and I said 'Dude why are you still here? That's it! you won!' - Kevin Hart.

You should try watch them. They really have that capability to turn your mood from -1 Million to +9 Billion.

Next, job and school. Both aren't really going that well now.
I'm so stressed out I can't even think. I mean, when people ask me about work or school, I don't even wanna talk about it. It set me off. Like, seriously.

And then, here comes the love life.
So, have I told you about Maté? Well, I lost my feeling for him. I mean, it's that's fast because I don't even know who he is. That's stupid. That's the stupidest thing ever. Turned out he's different. We met already and the real him isn't as funny as him when he talked to me via BBM. That sucks. Pineapples.
But then, as I told you before, I met this Denny guy. He's nice. I think he has great patience when it comes to talkative person like me. LOL. He answered almost everything I asked. Even when he was in a bad mood. It's crazy. I had a crush on him but then, it's all coming back to our faiths. We're not in the same religion and that's a big deal. I always said to anyone I've had a crush on:

If I ever leave God for you; if I ever change my religion because of you, do not marry me. Don't even have a relationship with me. Because if it's God that I left now, then next, it could be you. - Fissheal M.

So, yeah, it didn't work again. But I didn't regret it. He's mature enough to not change after I said such things. Great man.

Last but not least, IRON MAN 3 IS OUT, BABY!
I haven't seen it. I was planning on wearing a t-shirt that has arc reactor on it to watch this movie that I've been waiting since 2008!
What makes me sad is the rumor that this is probably the last movie when RDJ will starred as Tony Stark. Well, I didn't think I'm going to raise my kids in the world where RDJ isn't Iron Man.

I think that's all from now.
GO WATCH WANDA. GO WATCH KEVIN. GO WATCH IRON MAN 3.

Love you! :*

Thank You, February. And Welcome, March!

This post supposed to be posted yesterday.
But IDK why, I think I just forgot.
I wrote anything I wanted to post here on notepad first.
So if I didn't remember, I'll just skip that post.
But not with this post. This one is so damn important!

Happy 1st of March!
today's a big day for people in the world because today's Justin Bieber's birthday.
for me, it's even bigger because today's c4's birthday!!!
Happy Birthday to c4.
yeah, we finally talk again and it makes me feel so good.
nah, I didn't expect to communicate. it's just, I want to fix my mistakes.

hi, c4. happy birthday!
wish you all the greatest thing in life.
ps: do not die before Iron Man 3.

-

hi, readers!
life's been good. :)
I am officially a trainee at the dream company I told you before.
I'm so excited. Thank you for pray for me. :)
And thank God for the job and thank God I have readers like you.
yeah I got e-mails these days and I am scared that I will failed. *Pray for me, please!*

my grades don't come up yet.
I am still nervous but I already tried to do the best I could.
now all I can do is pray.

-

oh, and remember the man I told you before? whose initial is A? yeah, things didn't work out very well between us two.
turned out he wasn't the man I want. he's cute as a boyfriend, but not mature enough to be considered as my other half.
beside, he got a girlfriend. lol. nah, even though he wasn't in a relationship, things still wouldn't work out.

-

I also want to take this time out to thank February.
I know it has only 28 days, but I felt like it was the longest month of the year.
Thank you for the ups and downs.
Thank you for taught me to trust my feelings.
Thank you for the love and heart break.
Thank you for the job, the friends, the experiences.
And thank you, for being the most amazing month of the year.
I thought you were gonna be the worst one, but turned out, I was dead wrong. :)

-

it's 5 o'clock in the morning now.
I am in the middle of making a decision whether to go back to sleep or not.
the thing is, I was planning on take a little run at 6 with my friend, Suci.
We'll see though, because I still got a task to do.
And I'm not so sure if she could wake up at 5:30. :))

I think that's everything for today.
thank you for the time you took to read this. :*
love ya, readers!

Pull Myself Together

Hi readers!
How's life? I hope you're being treated well. ;)
So, after very very long cry-for-a-week phase, I'm done!
Yeah, I seriously want and have to manage my life again.
I can't cry forever, can I?

These days I've been busy with looking for a job. I already found one of one company that I really wanted to work to.
Currently, I'm still waiting for the good news. *Pray for me, please!*
Beside the good news from the dream company, I'm also waiting any good news from my grades. :D
Last year, I skipped so many classes and I know if I couldn't pass those tests, that's my fault.
But for the first time in my life I seriously study hard. So I hope it'll pay my hard work. Though I'm a little bit scared.
In the middle of my nervous break down, now I realize I can't hold on to someone else but God.
I'm not trying to be religious here, but I finally realize, He's the only man who will never leave me alone. :)

But then, I am still looking around for someone nice. Someone I can picture my future with. Someone who can be my best friend and lover all at once.
I found one, his initial is A, but I am not so sure if this will work or not.
I mean, I've wasted years trying to build strong relationships with men. I want to get married in 2015 actually. :)
I think God works mysteriously on that. :)

Talking about best friend, remember my Partner In Crime, Indra?
Nah, you don't remember. LOL.
So he's been dieting for the last.. I don't know.. a year and a half, I guess. And he's in a nice shape now.
That motivated me to do some diet too. I started eat less and workout more.
I'm not actually a big fan of workout, but it feels really good when you're sweating. :)
Now I'm running if I have the spare time or the mood to go out, but if I'm not in any mood to run, I'm weightlifting.
Yeah, I have 6lbs yellow barbels in my room. :p
My current weight now is 73kgs or 161lbs. And I need to lose 22 lbs more to my ideal weight.
That's a lot of number, isn't it?
Well, one day, I'll say "I believe I could, so I did" :)

What else?
Hmm.. I guess that's all for now.
Thank you for reading this.
And, remember to have fun readers. :) It won't hurt.
I'll see you soon then. :)
Love you. :*

Karma does Exist

hi, readers. how are you? fine I hope. :)

so, yeah. I'm officially single (again).
and I'm still crying my eyes out 'til I fall asleep. I really hope this phase of break-ups will end as soon as possible.

no, I'm not the one who broke up with him. he is. and in my opinion, you can judge this story from our opinions.
let's begin.

***

according to him, I:
- am selfish.
- can't understand his feelings.
- am a liar. biggest liar on earth.
- spend too much money.

now, I got opinions to defense myself of course.
- yes I am selfish. but I got reason for that. he's the first person who ever be my bf in real life. mostly I am constantly in a LDR. maybe that took me by surprise that I was very... pampered by a man.
- yes. I can't understand his feelings. I understand that. I always wanted to see him. like every single day of the rest of my life. and I can't get out of this fact.
- yes. I lied. to several people. like my mom. I lied about his status (I told my mom he was my senior in college), I lied about his job (he's a security), I lied about everything to my mom. but he doesn't know my mom. he never met her before. he doesn't know what is my mom capable of. once I told her the truth, I think the most proper way to say this is: there's no forgiveness.
- I did spend to much money. I can't get out of this fact as well. But I'm learning. I'm learning how to save some money for me later. for my future. for, well, our (ex) future.

you know what? my ex boyfriend is a perfect guy. physically and mentally.
he's tall, handsome, tough, cute, patient, kind, awesome, cool, super nice, et cetera. but, there's one thing I don't like about him. he's a liar.
no no. I didn't accuse him. it's the truth.

***

here's the story.
I felt something changed about him since Dec 2012. And the first thing that came through my mind was: he's in love with somebody else.
No, I couldn't prove that. All I can do was hoping. Hoping that I couldn't be more wrong.
Then, I get back to my hometown for few weeks. When I came back, he did pick me up at the airport et cetera.
That made me happy of course because I thought he was changed.
Few weeks later, it was Tuesday, I remember the exact day, I called him. And the first word he said after he picked up the phone is "What?!"
I didn't get it. He changed all of the sudden.
He didn't want to talk to me for a couple weeks. Then we met. It was Feb 5th. He broke up with me but I said no. Because he couldn't tell me the right reason. Beside, I got more exams to do so I begged him to understand my position and not break up with me at least 'til I graduate.
I remember he said "OK" on some conditions:
- I can't call him when he's working.
- I tell my mom the truth.
I said "fine". And I never called him while he was working without asked him first.
On friday, Feb 8th, he didn't reply my texts, he didn't answer his phone. and I was like, "I know this time is coming".
But again, there's still one little hope inside of me that said: maybe he ran out of credits and his phone was in silent mode.
After 1 week, he didn't change. I decided to go find him. It was Valentine's Day. I actually had no idea about where he currently lives. I remember some clues though and I believe I could find him with all the intentions I got.
And I found his place but I couldn't find him. so I came back again the next day to talk to him. That night he was working so I knew I will find him.
I wasn't surprised when he said he got another gf. They got together since Feb 7th. so technically, yes, he lied to me.
He said he was planning on getting married next year. I couldn't stop crying.
He started compared me with her. How good she is, how she didn't lie to her mom. and my heart was screaming "WE DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME MOM!".
It broke my heart into pieces. Matter of fact, I think I can't fall in love again.

People said I'm stupid for letting him hurt me like that, for still having a little hope, and for keep loving him.
But I'm not that kind of girl who easily hate people. Yes, he messed up. But people did too. I did too.
I know I probably will never be with him ever again, but I prayed really hard so that God would listen to me and granted my wishes.

***

You know what, readers? I think this is Karma. this is exactly what happened in 2010. The difference is, c4 didn't say anything to me for weeks. I thought he hated me already.
So, after I remember that, I wrote an e-mail to c4, my ex, to apologize if it hurts him when I left. Because now I'm hurting like real bad. Like I want to stop crying but I can't.
I thought that was exactly what happened to him that's why I apologize. I don't want anybody to hate me or curse me. I just want to have a happy life. with no hard feelings. no heart broken..

So, yeah, I want to take this time up to thank Oktavianus for letting me know how it feels like to be loved.
And apologize to c4 for everything that I've done. I have no idea, this would turned out this bad.

***

Thanks for reading, readers.
I hope your love life isn't as complicated as mine.

Quote for the day: "I made a promise never to settle why didn't I keep it?" - Stacey Orricco
well, it's actually her whole 'I'm Not Missing You' is the quote of the day.
download that song and listen to it.

Bye readers.
I love you.

HEY YOU!

Play this before you continue reading.

Time goes by so fast.
It's amazing what time can do, isn't it?
I used to be so hopeless and melancholy until then you stopped by and brought me bliss.
I am happier. You know it's true and I can't defy it.
But I have problems with speaking. That's why I prefer to write.
You know my story so you know it's simpler for me.

I can't tell many things when we were chatting.
I don't want to be too confident even though sometimes you gave me huge expectation about what we would be in the next years.
Friendship is what we have now and I wish hope it'll never come to an end. You're the best one so far. I love you. I do.
Still, I don't want to be with you. I don't deserve you.
Look at me. How bad I am. How mess my world is. How untidy I am.
I always feel like asking you this question: Do you really want to be with me?
I know you will say "yes" as a friend. But what if it's about something else?
Something that you know will never change between me and you?

Yes it will not change. Ever.
I might be with someone else at this moment but I can't get you off of my mind. Don't ask me why because I don't know.
After you read this, please, don't stop being my friend and partner in crime.
Just because I still have that old feeling, doesn't mean I can't be professional enough when I am with you.

I was planning to keep this feeling forever, actually. Because, I don't want our friendship to be over.
It's precious, you know.
So, I will always be your best friend. I will always be your partner in crime.
I will always be the person you can always call at 2 or 3 am in the morning.
I will always be your listener.

Yeah.
I think that's all I want to tell you.
Whoa, it's been forever since I wrote long stupid things like this.
But trust me, I can't speak it all to you.
Thanks for being the best one.
And please do not change just because this stupid post.

I'll see you soon, then.

:-)/\:-)

Finally.. New Domain!

after years, finally I can release this domain: http://www.justlikefie.com/
it's been more than 3 years to make this dream comes true.

so, now, I have 2 domains. the one with blogspot. and the one without blogspot.
it's weird, because I have different page rank.

and it's heartbreaking. :(

but don't worry. now I am happier!
:)
thank you readers. you can access both sites: justlikefie.blogspot.com or justlikefie.com start from today!

enjoy your visit. I love y'all.

PS: Very big thanks to INDRA for the payment problem-solving. love you partner in crime!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

the last time I posted crap on this blog is when I was brokenhearted.
now I am about to do it again, because of the same fucking reason.
FUCK.

My Kinda Guy

so I met this guy not so long ago. after the guy whom I thought would be my prince charming turned into a frog, he came and saved me.
he's not cute, he's not rich, he's just an ordinary man. oh, I haven't told you. his name is Oktavianus Nopriyanto Nugroho and I called him all the names that I want. lol.
he's 11 years older than me. it's actually a huge different because the last time I dated someone who's way older than me is like... 6 or 7 years ago.
what I like from him is he's a romantic person. all of my days are fulfilled with surprises.
I'm amazed by the way he remembered every single thing I said. things I like or I don't like, what I do before I go to bed, my favorite color, everything.
It's also very surprising when he knew what I thought about. I mean, it wasn't happen very often, was it?

In my life, no one has ever introduced me to his parents. But he did it. So this one day, when he came to my place from work, he said that he will introduce me to his mom. I was speechless. A little bit panicked because I wasn't prepare anything for that night. Even though it wasn't a formal night, I keep asked questions. "How do I look?" or "Do your mom's gonna like me?" are the most question that I asked over and over again. But that night went well. I WAS SO EXCITED! That was probably the greatest night that ever happened in my life! :D
We do fight a lot! Almost every single day. There are always things that make us fight. Simple things actually. He said it's because we meet every day. I don't think so. I mean, that's what we do, right? We fight. But I never worried about that because I know things are going to be okay between us two.

I don't know how long this one is gonna last. Maybe just for a few months, or maybe forever. all I can do is hope for the best.
I've been in so many relationships with men with different characters. The thing is: Nobody's Perfect. No one.
You can wait for someone cute or tall or smart but the fact is, there's always a part of them that make them imperfect. I've been with rich guy but he is so goddamn cocky. I've been with smart guy but he is heartless. I've been with handsome guy but he's a liar. So, nobody's perfect.
Like I told you before, this man who is in a relationship with me now is not cute or rich. But how he loves me, how he cares for me, how he gives everything he has for me, really open my eyes. He's that kind of guy every girl wants.
He's that kind of guy I've always wanted. :)

Where'd You Go?

I haven't seen you in a while.
I mean, I'm not planning on checking you on twitter.
But when I opened your site, I saw your tweets.
You're on your holiday.
I wish you are.

how are you? okay?
I know I can't be by your side.
but, I mean, I do care about you and your condition right now.
at the top of it I am concern about your kids.

so since you're not being online these days, I decided to blog.
I wish you read this. so you can tell me any news about your condition right now.
your brother promise me he will call me as soon as something BAD happen to you.
until now, he doesn't chat me again. I hope it means you're getting better.

it's 2012, sir. and I'm mad at you.
first, you're not wake up yet.
stop pretending like you're not hearing your brother or everyone around you. you probably can't hear me typing now. or read this shit. but I mean, you know how many people want you to stay ALIVE. stubborn asshole!

second, we're still break up.
okay, I don't care about me not being your woman anymore. but you broke up with me and then I heard about you at the hospital? it makes me wanna throw up.
I feel wrong.

now you and your brother fonts are the same. IDK if it's only because he took your ID, but you guys have the same way of typing.
and it's driving me crazy, cfho83. *sorry for use that a.k.a. now you better say something to me*

so asshole, I don't care where your soul is traveling right now. just make sure it won't get lost. come back and type to me like you hate me.
fuck you.

fuck yeah, I'm a liar

yeah, you're right. I lie to you. I am a big fat liar.
you want to know things that I lied about?
1. I am happy.
2. I'm excited to get back home.
3. I need no one.
4. I'm friendly.
5. I'm awesome.
6. I'm smart.
7. I wanted to watch Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2.
8. I love my stepfather.
9. I hate kids.
10. I like staying up late.
11. I love talking to strangers.
12. I am not scared to death.
13. I like hanging out.
14. I'm cute.
15. My mom loves me.
16. My family proud of me.
17. I love spending holidays with my mom and sister in my hometown.
18. HOME is the most comfortable place on earth.
19. I never wanted to leave this country.
20. I'm not racist.
21. I'm in a good health.
22. I'm fine.
23. Leave me if you want because I don't care.
24. You're just someone who makes me laugh. I just need your joke.
25. I don't remember anything about you.
26. I never really cared when my man is sick.
27. No, he doesn't make me cry.
28. I'm tough as rocky mountain.
29. I put a big evil laughing on my face when I type this.
30. I am proud of myself.
31. I always love fuck up.
32. I love loving life.
33. I love schools.
34. I can kill somebody when I am really mad.
35. I like perfumes.
36. I believe in true love.
37. I've got used to be cursed.
38. I hate writings.
39. I never get jealous.
40. I don't care what my man did or whom he's with.

and you know what are my biggest lies, man?

I don't love you. I never loved you or cared about you. I hate it when I had to woke up every 4 hours. I am happy when you're not here. I was not really cry when I saw you sick. it's okay with me if you blocked me from your accounts. I'm not mad when you're not replying my e-mails.

now you happy? YOU HAPPY?
because I AM. I AM REALLY HAPPY FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT LIAR.

mom's month

it's july now and I'm getting nervous because the deadline to do the scientific writing is soooooo close. what makes me nervous is not the deadline but because I didn't do anything yet.

just skip that one. I don't want to talk about it

the other things that's gonna happen in July is mom's birthday. this year, my mom will be 44 y.o.
my mom is one of the independent women I ever know. because she grows in a big family with small income.
my mom is the eldest one, so she has to taking care of her brothers and sisters -she has 2 brothers and 2 sisters- every single day.
when she was in high school, she moved to the capital city of North Sulawesi.
my momma's english is not that good. it's not even good at all. but in the other side, she's smart as hell if you talk to her about medicine and stuffs. yeah, my mom is a nurse.

thank God she is a nurse because she's not gonna feel disgusted when she's taking care of her babies. :)
and maybe that's why my daddy picked her.
they have silly relationship when they were young. I mean, in the early year, it's not usually happened. :D

now my mom is a single parent because her husband is a fucking jerk. how come a husband not provides ANYTHING -I repeat, ANYTHING- to his wife? that's stupid and irresponsible. I am sorry for telling this to the world mom, but I am sick of his behavior.

I promise to myself, I won't find a guy who gives me everything when we were just "in a relationship" and stop doing it when we married.

that's it for now. I need to going back to work. good luck in everything you do readers. esp in your love life. seriously.
see you later.
love ya!

PS: if you see this bryan -my step brother from my mom's husband-, I am sorry for saying that your dad is a jerk, but I do mean it. don't worry, I still love you. ;)

realize

I just get my job back. IDK if my boss will let me work for a long time. but this is more than enough.
thank God.

I remember when everything seems to be wonderful last year. on November, I got a man. on December, I have a job.
it's just great.

now, when my man don't want me (I actually can't say "my man" anymore) to be his woman, I am complaining. I know it's my fault. but everyone deserves a second chance.
"some people fight for love, and I believe it's true 'cause I do the same for you". that's what Elliot Yamin said in one of his song called Fight For Love.
but I can't fight for someone if he doesn't want to be fight for. I send him e-mails. try to stop once, but I can't until I get some reply. he deleted me from his Messenger, blocked me from his twitter account, and successfully make me feel like a "SPAM". or maybe, I'm a SPAM.

but I won't complain anymore because I know I will lose everything I have one day. I just think I'm not well-prepared to accept that now.
I never regret loving him. and his past. and his weakness. I can say I still love him. I never regret everything I've done for him. I never regret wake up every four hours or doing the pen thing on my hand.
I never mad at him at any moment. even when he decides to leave, I'm not mad. it's my fault because yes, I am fucked up in the head. all I can do is apologizing and wait for his response even though I think, it won't come out.

I miss him. I miss everything about him. but I realize that he has family that's at the top of his list. I probably at number 345932 on that list. but I don't care. this is fair. now he makes me cry badly when once upon a time, he made me laugh insanely.

later, readers.
I love you.

I'm Not Ready

I'm really not that ready..
but I have to, right?
even though every time we talk, I always said "I'm tougher now"
but I'm not prepared for any of this.
I always wish I were there.
not because I haven't see snow
or because I don't know how USA looks like
but more because you're there.
knowing this. read the sentence that you just wrote.
I broken. into pieces.
I am not ready. but I have to. so I will.
I just.. love you.

20 Things I Love About cfho83

I just remember that I want to post this such a long time ago. lol. no. jk. I want to post this since I finish read The Wednesday Letters by Jason F. Wright. one of Jack's letter to Laurel contains 20 things he loved about his wife. so, here I am writing 20 things I love about my man.

1. his big grin. if that grin can talk, the only thing it can say is: "fiss, I know you want to do that. don't give me that shit". I love it.
2. the way he sounds when he called me "mama" or "homie".
3. his serious face when he played his game.
4. the way he explains something. that "right?" word behind every sentence.
5. when I don't get it, I love it when he puts that 'ah-I-need-to-explain-it-again' face. :D
6. his laugh. it's just.... amazing.
7. when he talked about his family.
8. the way he looks at me and the shake his head. which is means: "fiss, you talking shit". :D
9. when he said romantic things. even though it's just "I love you".
10. how he loves ironman (and hates aquaman).
11. his jokes.
12. when he get on this site and chat to me with that pingbox like he's a stranger. unfortunately, most of times, he fails. :P
13. when he worked out. that's hot.
14. he went to church.
15. his "aaaaaaaaaaaahhh" word when he just get an explanation. and his "booyah" word when he wants to share something cool.
16. how he loved m&ms chocolate and girl scout cookies. :D
17. his face when I said "yes, I eat human".
18. his voice. that is my mood booster. just by listening to his voice, I gain all of my mood back. WHOA.
19. cocoa butter.
20. HIM. :)

this list isn't ascending by "the most thing I love" I love all of them with an equal portion. :)
you should try to list everything you love about someone, readers. it helps you because when you mad at them and read why you love them, you won't be mad anymore. :)

mad, sorry, forgive

let's talk about that 3 words up there.
I think this gonna be a short post but who cares? this is my site. I write what I want to write.

~

I keep make people get mad at me. I don't know why. it's like being bad is already a part of me and my life.
I just wondering, do they even think about me? I mean, if I know what I say or what I do will make them mad as hell at me, will I do that? WILL I?
they never think about that. once I make them mad, blah. I am not the kind of person who has a super ego. no I am not. if I know I am wrong, I'll apologize.
if I made mistake to a 5-year-old kid, I will apologize. because I know I am wrong.

~

now the next problem is, some people are too arrogant to forgive me.
I don't think they want to know that with doing that, they HURTING me.
oh yeah. real hurt. guys, you don't know how hard it is to lower or maybe throw away your self-esteem just to say "I AM SORRY".
you don't know how hurting it is, to keep saying "I AM SORRY" and the one who you apologizing to is not even listening.
I am pretty sure that the one ho can forgive easily, is the one who knows how hard the things are.

~

sometimes I think, it's just me the one who so stupid for apologizing to someone who won't forgive me.
they say "forgiven or not, the main thing is you already apologize"
for me, that's a shit. what are you fighting for then? man, it is your responsibility if someone won't forgive you until the rest of their life.
and, I don't want that happen to me.

~

10:34 pm
that's all.
love you readers.

it's just another story form life.

hey readers. morning *again*.
look, I am not usually like this. but, I want to tell you that I am typing this while I am crying. yeah. crying.
no no. I don't want you to feel sorry about me. I just. yeah. want to tell to anyone.
honestly, I can't cry in front of public. not even when I am watching movies on cinema.
so I just tell you.
at least you don't see me, right? so it's up to you to take this as a lie or a truth.
but I won't lie on my own site.

~

I was thinking about what was I go through in life.
yes, I have everything I need. got roof, got food, got shoes, education, I even at least, can speak english well.
who will think I will have these all?
:') when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of losing my parents. see them in a chest. and I was scared. now, my dad's gone. and the only thing I wish is I'll go next because I don't think I can see my mom in the chest too.

~

you know? I know pc since I was on 4th grade of elementary. or maybe 3rd grade. 8 years old girl. never think I will be so addicted to this thing.
I don't remember first game I played. I thought it was tetris. or I think some adventure game. but that wasn't the thing that makes me pick this thing.
I have my first mail when I am in 5th grade. then know google, mIRC, stuff like friendster. I have 3 of that.
and now? I am a geek. tech geek. well I am not as geek as my geek-er friend. lol. I am not good at tracing someone, hacking stuff, and many other crazy stuff my friend can do. I don't want to do that because I don't want that such a thing happen to me too.
people were right. if you have thousands of friends on internet, you have just a bunch of them in real world. so do I. I mean, I know hundreds people in real world. but which one is a friend? no one knows.
and now I just wondering. I can't even cry in front of my parents. I can't cry in front of my sister. friend? never. so what is a friend? if friend is someone you can always borrow they shoulder to cry on, then I have none of them.

~

hey it's funny. I am listening to Playhouse right now, but I still cry.
I have a job now. thank God for that. for the money I make and for the thing that can take my mind off something else.
back when I was a child. when my teacher asked all of the student in my class about what is their purpose when they grew up, they all have one. me? nope.
I never thinking about what I want to be. and I have no purpose in life.
and this is the day. I was in junior high when I am so addicted listening to radio. and I want to be one of them. send message to anyone. work hidden. so people won't know how's your look like. and that's the job people don't care how you look like.
one day I got that job. 3 months working, I am enjoying every minute of that job. I don't even take that as a job.
and I have to quit, because I need to move here. in this town. great.

I still want to be a radio announcer. but how? who knows? 5 years from now, will radio still exist? you'll have live tv streaming. you can download any song you want to hear. what else? I don't think I can make it.

~

my love life? I remember my first crush. he's my neighbor. I think around 2 or 3 years older than me. I told my friend - who also his cousin - about I like him. and she tells him. and you know what he said? "she's ugly!". end of the story.
my first boyfriend, we have different religion. he's about 4 years older than me. can't tell his name though. but he's jerk enough. so, screw him.
until now, when I am in a relationship, I never think about end up in marriage.
no no. I do think about it. just will never hope that will happen. because if it'll never happen, I think I'll go crazy. so, just think straight.
I don't even know what makes me so attractive. they say I have sex appeal. what sex appeal? damn. I am fat as hell.
I make friends with A LOT of boys. but they're friends. they don't even take me as a girl. they talk like I am a boy. just like them. at least, I can make people laugh. I think that's the greatest gift I ever have.

~

I maybe not have a long live. won't guess. but they say:

HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST.

I got all these shits in my body. Insomnia, asthma, heart problem, fats everywhere, and a lot of things that maybe, I don't know.
well, my dad's taken when he swimming. caused? asthma.
nooooo. I didn't afraid of death. I just feel guilty because I've done nothing for people.

~

02:47 am.
whoa. I don't know how long it takes to write these shits.
I will write some stories of life later.
I live for 19 years. you don't think my story just happen in 3 years, right? ;)
hey woman reader. be smart. sometimes, a guy like a smart girl. and be patient. really. you need to be patient. I know what it feels like to be a temper person. I am trying to leave it. still work on it.
and for you man reader, do not ever make a girl cry, because God counts her tears. one other thing, be wise. you need to know when to do what. make decision fast but make sure they'll work. don't be a loser too. you won't know if that girl is waiting for you too if you don't ask. ;)
I love you all, readers. have a great rest.
:*

holiday story part II

oops. I just read archives and realize that the holiday story that I post on January 8th is already finish.
so, I check it on my notepad *thank God I didn't delete it yet* and find out that there's one-week-story which I didn't post.
I don't want you to get unfinished story.
so. this is it. :)

part 2

January, 1st, 2011
Happy New Year, READERS!!!
Oh my. I am glad I still can type in 2011.
my baby keep telling me to update this site.
he has no idea that I am keep typing on notepad and I'll publish this later.
oops, I forgot it's new year in his place.
wait I'll tweet him.
:D

okay done. :)
I just record some videos of my house too.
I'll show you readers. :)

well, last night is new year's eve.
it's great tho. we're gathering together. me, my father, my brothers, my sister, and my cousin.
I record like 10 videos of fireworks. <3>
it looks clear from 2nd floor of my father's house. :)

me and my brother go on the road, but when it's traffic, we decided to go back.
he'll be tired, he said.

my sister back to Jakarta this morning. and I just got a message from her say she already arrived.
I said, just text me when you're in tangerang already.

oh by the way, Jimbo (a.k.a Macan), have a twin! waow. his name is Bombat. lol.
I saw him last night on my father's roof. and they have a puppy named Molly too. :D
that's great.
it seems like Bombat afraid of fireworks. he keeps quiet all the time.
but I swear, he looks exactly like Jimbo.
I imagine how if they met when they two already separated for 4 months?
will they know each other?

sun shines soooooo bad this afternoon.
damn. it's hot.
even Jimbo don't cry because he busy let his tongue out. lmaabo.


12:55
I've planned nothing today. maybe I'll just manage Vessel for today.
I miss you, readers. love you. <3>

January 3rd, 2011
hey there, readers. I bet you already back to your daily activity.
so do I.
well, I am not going back to Jakarta yet.
I am still here. but days is going like usual.
people go to work, busy day though.

I just clean up the house, wash the dishes, and take a bath.
now I am here, post something on notepad and plan to post it later on my blog.

yesterday, I went to my grandmomma's house.
people said I look skinnier. lmao.
I don't eat too much. talk with a lot of people who don't see me for the last 1,5 years.
I miss them all: my aunties, my cousins, my brothers, I miss them aaaaaaaaaaaaaalll.. :D
I took some "jumping picture" when I went to the beach.
show you later.

Jimbo is fine. he's outside. being lazy.
days getting hotter here, readers.
I wear some thin stuff to protet me from sweating too much.
shit. I don't like this weather.

I really want to talk to you. so I am type. I don't care if you can't read this yet.
but I just need to say something.
first of all, let me being honest. everything I posted here, is a truth.
I never lie on my site.
what you read, really happens to me.
so, don't think about me making this funny just because I want you to read this site.
you can stop visit if you want to. I won't force you, people.

even though everything inside is a truth, it doesn't mean I tell you everything.
I have some things I keep from you readers.
however, people have secrets. so do I.
that's why, on this site header, I post that words: "some things are best left unsaid.."

me and my boy, I don't know. it seems like he don't want to talk to me.
I don't understand. I really don't.
maybe I did something wrong. but I don't know what it is. if I did it, for real, I don't recognize it as a mistake then.
I tweet him like 3 times, but he didn't reply one of them yet.
I don't think he didn't get it, so.. that's it.

12:21
I've plan about making a new song cover.
Halo and Firework are the choices.
I still practicing. don't want to mess up.
I'll post something later, readers.
I really love you and miss you all. :)

January 7th 2011
woah. I am 19 years old and I don't understand why my mom keep acting like I am 10 years old.
she never allows me to have a boyfriend. well, I mean a guy friend.
I will be an old virgin if she keeps act like that
or, if I want to know what sex like, maybe I just will give my virginity without any marriage.
what?
don't try to say that she's protecting me.
I know how to protect myself.
I don't even need a man to protect me because I am protecting my self from any man I know.

when I was fat, my mom mad because I am fat. I mean, she never worried about a boy come after me.
now, when I got skinnier, my mom mad because boys come after me.
I already made an appointment with marcel. I think I ever told you about him, readers.
now I don't have any idea how to tell him that I can't make it.
if he picks me up, I don't know if my mom with let me go.

this is another reason I hate being in my hometown.
because I HAVE NO FRIEND! NO ONE!
I told you about me hanging out in a couple posts before.
and that happens when my mom not in town. I am so glad when she leaves.
I mean, I don't want her to die, if that's what is on your mind, readers.
no. I just want her to change.
she didn't have to protect me the way my grandmother did to her.
and she needs to know that I am big enough to protect my ownself.

I don't know what to say readers.
I wish my brother can give me a phone call right now.
:(

13:59
I can't type anymore, readers. I love you.

Jan 08th 2011
4:29 am
on my way tio airport.
can't wait to see you, readers. :)

sorry I just realize it.
now you know the whole holiday story.
love you, readers. :)

halo, I got my angel now. :)

it's just a little thanks from me to you, readers.
thank you for being an angel to me.
for being a great friend.
for giving me advices and supports whenever I need them.
and
thank you for making me feel loved. :)

I love you, readers.

don't think I don't think about it

it's 3:20 am and I can't sleep at all.
yeah I used to be like this. but this one is different. I am afraid of nightmare. very bad nightmare.
I can't even close my eyes even just for a while.

~

what are you use readers? tell me what makes you can sleep earlier. I try every possible way to not be a vampire anymore. but it didn't work.
I read books, listen to a music, do stuff like that but I can't be normal.
well, I'm scared by this heart problem. now I got another headache problem.
phew. but I just can't change my time area.

~

beside that, I keep thinking about my problem. it getting worse because I have no midterms anymore so I can't turn my attention of off him.
I want to pretend like nothing happen between us. but then, it will makes him think that I don't even have regret.
I want to say "I am sorry" every single time. but in the end, he will think that I'm doing too much.
I don't have any idea what am I supposed to do now. if I didn't say something to him, will I look like a retarded?
or maybe all he needs is space?
blank.

~

I don't want to give up on him. I keep thinking like, "oh fie, you don't deserve anyone." or "maybe he's right by treating me like this" or "why am I so stupid? I should have believe him".
but it won't change everything. he was right. I took our happiness for granted. now I don't know what am I supposed to do.
guilty? HELL YEAH. he trust me and I don't trust him? at that moment I don't trust him? what the hell is wrong with me?
sometimes I wish he'll make a surprise by talk to me in pingbox again and pretend like he don't know me. and blah blah blah.
but it's impossible now. my site, this site, is probably the last site that he'll visit.
gosh I miss him.

~

am I supposed to let him go? he doesn't like me anymore. I think he hates me right now.
people say "hope make you strong", now when I was hope he'll be my last, yes, it makes me stronger. now, when I hope he'll give me another chance, I lost my strength.
I don't even know how to fix this.
I asked my bestfriend, best of the best friend, and she says

"that what makes your relationship grow, fie. face it. don't just give up. fix it. try every way you can. in the end, if he won't give you a chance, he's not yours. and he will never be. you do change, fie. he just doesn't know you as long as me. keep trying. you can do it"

she knows me for about 3 years. she is the one who knows every little secret of me. she knows my family, my life, how mess is my room, and so much else. and when she said that sentence, I know she was right. I have to try, but if he's not mine, he never meant to be.

~

yep. I should give him a space. I'll manage my homecoming I think. is 10 days enough for him? or is it takes months? years (again)?
no one knows.

~

3:47
well, I'm listening to JLo ft. Fat Joe - Hold You Down right now.
this song is great in case I am in the lowest right now.
readers, it's time to bed. :D
I won't let myself talking shit anymore.
so, have a nice sleep everywhere you are, guys.
have a nice dream (now I really mean it when I say this)
aaaaaaaaaaaanddddd.... I love you.